my lollipops are sweeter

like 2 years later

2009-12-27T22:09:00.001-08:00

im glad blogs dont get dusty. i can't believe it's been two years since a post.
graduating college and not sitting in haunted libraries has made me lazy.
and boring.

i miss you blogworld.

xoxo

holy shit

2007-12-04T00:11:00.000-08:00

the part about how i die scared me. i almost believe the internets is more powerful than my mom and walter mercado put together.....

ps-i know it's shitty to be posting internets quizzes instead of like, real posts....but....i'm, like, really lazy....thinking is boring.

Your Deadly Sins

Pride: 100%

Lust: 80%

Greed: 80%

Envy: 80%

Gluttony: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Wrath: 20%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 63%

You will die of malnutrition, after the Olson twins make dying of malnutrition trendy.

How Sinful Are You?

boobs

2007-10-18T23:24:00.000-07:00

Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

Kate Moss

Who's Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

god i love the internets.

oh yeah and go get yours checked!(your boobs, not your internets) cos isn't it like boob month? i just remembered now. this boob post was totally a coincidence i swear.

not being a marshmallow is annoying

2007-10-02T19:27:00.001-07:00

serio.

so since deciding to, like, not put corndogs in my mouth every hour on the hour for the sake of being an olsen, i haven't gotten any less marshmallow-y AT ALL. what the hell. also, boot camp kept making me fat so i ditched that shit and didn't go the last week. i should have known better. the teacher was mega old. old people don't know how to be hot. i've done a richard simmons video, i know what i'm talking about.

anyway i think i'm over not being a marshmallow. winter is a good time for being one anyway because people love putting marshmallows in their hot chocolate and i would love to float in some hot chocolate!! yay. i guess i'll just invest in some glamorous moo moo's and not worry about it anymore. it'll make getting ready for holiday parties so much easier. so if you're having one, i'll be there ready to eat all of your free food! yay.

in other news: jude law is still delicious. yay.

ok im going to go cut up some butter for dinner now.

a few things, probably a few too many

2007-09-19T23:48:00.000-07:00

today has been a day of many revelations.

i will share them now:

revelation #1) things labeled "mini" in the frozen foods section do not guarantee "the delicious"!! it's all a SHAM. you'd think because your favorite junk food has been shrunken down, that also, the flavor would be intensified thereby making it the closest thing to heaven on earth that you can come to....right? WRONG. i feel so betrayed.

in my effort to ingest as many corndogs in one lifetime as is humanly possible, i bought a box of mini corndogs. what most attracted me to this item was:

a) that on the box, they are not sure how many corndogs each box has. they list the count as 18-20. you rarely find this kind of inconsistency these days, so that was a plus!

b)they are mini. what's not to be attracted to.

c)they are corndogs.

i got them at Henry's so immediately I dismissed the fact that they were Foster Farms brand. that was my first mistake. needless to say, they are disgusting. i made 4 in the microwave because im too impatient to put anything in the oven. i doubt the oven would have done much for them anyways. i won't describe anything because i don't want to put myself through that again!!!

how can a corndog NOT be delicious? it's seriously too agonizing for me to consider...so i won't. i'll just pretend the whole thing was a nightmare.

in any case, consider yourselves warned.

(it's also available in 40-44...seriously though, isn't the quantity count totally charming? i'm such a a sucker for these things!)

revelation #2) the new season of ANTM will disappoint once again. If you watched tonite, you should have noticed that during the Miss J Runway Challenge at the beginning....there was a girl who was singled out for a quick second (although she truly deserved alot more screen time solely because of her name.) she really had what is possibly the best name i've ever ever ever ever ever heard, seen, even been aware existed and i wish Tyra had kept her. Spontaniouse, you were cut too soon! Spontaniouse. spelled just like that. sadly, i couldnt find a picture of her. Tyra always lets the really good ones go.

revelation #3) the new WB series which comes on right after ANTM is the most perfect thing on television. I stayed home by accident, but now i realize it was no accident. Fate brought us together. Gossip Girl, i'm totally yours.

revelation #4) I hate the Target Go! campaign. at first, i was really excited because they had some seriously hot designers coming in and out...but everytime i would go, i would find it really disheartening. everytime!!

the cut of the clothing is crap, the fabrics are crap; i don't get the point. i'm pretty sure the featured designers had nothing to do with the cut and fabrics because there is no way that a label like Proenza or any of the others would ever make anyone wear that crap. totally no way.

i went to target today because the new designer is Alice Temperley....her stuff is seriously gorgeous! She makes fabulously chic and feminine clothing and while the stuff at Target looks hot on the hangers, it doesn't when it's on, like, an actual person. trust. bleh. the fit is fug. always. no matter who's design.

(oh oh and if you cared....the same goes for the Vera Wang crap at Kohl's. it's crap. don't bother.)

revelation #5) if you've never read anything by Dave Eggers, youre doing yourself a huge disservice. serio.

revelation #6) i'm not sure if it's the nano commercial that is making me have to confront this, but i have come to realize that Feist's songs give me anxiety. big time. i have no explanation for this.....they just do. it's weird, i know....but Coldplay does the same thing to me. and it's not good anxiety. i get nervous and uncomfortable and as much as i fight....i can't defeat it. on the flip, i can listen to Umbrella over and over and over again and while it does make me want to shove an Um-ba-rella-ella-ella-ella-ey up Rhianna's ass...it doesn't give me anxiety.

revelation #7) Poquito Mas is just ok.i've heard alot about Poquito Mas but hadn't actually been to one so, as i mentioned a few posts ago, i made E take me so i could do some investigative reporting. or something.

the menu, i must say, is a nice change from that of Baja Fresh's or Rubio's. I had some kind of special. I didn't know what it was but i was starving and it said something about cheese and a bell pepper and i went for it.

what i got was a thick tortilla on which the stuffed pepper was sliced on top of. then, on top of and inside of the pepper was a bunch of gooey white cheese, a whole bunch of chicken, and a mango salsa. it came with a giant side of rice and beans. i also ordered one mini taco (im consistent).

E ordered a burrito mojado and it came to him kind of cold, which made it crap. also the mojado sauce was chefboyardee-ish. not bueno. the inside of the burrito was aight.

overall the food was ok. it was better than most places and they really do give you alot! the only thing i didn't really find ok was the salsa. it totally wasn't fresh looking, nor tasting...so that kind of bothered me.
otherwise...i'd go back, though i'm not sure that i'd pass up a trip to Chipotle for it.....and that's the trufe! goddamnit i love chipotle. i dont care that it's owned by McDonalds as every person feels the need to tell me. i dont give a fuck foo....i love mcdonalds too, dayum.

special lady slut update

2007-09-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

your whore prayers are something powerful for sure!!!

it was a really intense and emotional weekend with my #1 bitch in the hospital but the lady pulled through... :) while she's not fully fully recovered, she's getting there and i'm hoping once we take her off the temporary medications the vet prescribed her, she'll be back to being her usual anti-charlie (our other dog) lady slut! (she hates charlie, but is actually quite tolerant of him these days since she's on a drug that basically sedates her. it's rad.)

she actually was not just suffering from an Addisonian Crisis...but also had fluid in her brain and we really almost lost her. it was very scary, but the vet was able to catch it all in time! anyway, thanks to anyone who read and took a little time to say a hot doggy slut prayer for my Sundae!

x's and o's, ho's!!!!

a special request for a special lady slut!

2007-09-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

my number one lady slut Sundae is in the hospital today. she recently had a rabies vaccine which caused her body a little too much stress than she was able to handle and sent her into a kind of shock. she suffers from Addison's Disease which is related to her adrenal glands. she's had this forever and has been on lifetime meds for this which has enabled her to lead a totally normal and hot doggy life, most of the time!!!

however, sometimes certain situations can trigger her to have more stress than she can handle and for some reason after her vaccine she went in to a state of Adisonian Crisis, which can be fatal. i'm pretty sure she'll pull through but i'm sure she'll totally feel the love if you sluts can say a little hot slut prayer for my #1 ho. she's been with me since i was 14 so she's seen me mature and turn into the ho that i am!!! i guess that would cause trauma to anyone!! poor lady!! anyway, i know she'll be ok because she's totally a trooper but i thought a little extra hot slut love wouldn't hurt! :) thanks hobags and ill keep you updated!

Glamorous Ladies of the VMA's!

2007-09-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

oh no....this set of pictures is also making me parched and hungry.....actually the entire show made me feel parched and hungry AND sleepy!!!!! what happened for 2 hours? it was all so confusing!!! some one make it make sense to me!!!!

milfs make good fitness buddies, followed by Britney Spears has a new song....

2007-09-03T19:39:00.001-07:00

it's true. MILFs are hot for working out with.

im trying to not be such a marshmallow for 2008 so i enlisted in this hot MILF boot camp. it's not advertised as a MILF bootcamp but i knew it'd be mom central since a)it's in Brea and b) it's at 8am Monday-Friday. Only MILFs have that kind of time to spend working on their fitness. actually only MILFs work on their fitness at that god forsaken time! 8AM!! well....and me, now.
it's gay. it's awesome. it's making me fat. (im not even kidding. since starting bootcamp, i've gained 5 pounds and my skinny jeans are now sausage casings. im the sausage.) anyway, we'll see how week 2 goes. im currently mostly buddies with an early-40's MILF who's the wife of a lawyer. she's from the country of Montenegro and one day during a cardio hike day, she spent the hour telling me her whole life story which inclued the following details:

she was a dancer(? what kind, i did not dare ask) in Montenegro, a country near Serbia and she got some kind of "dance scholarship" to "teach dance" in France when she was like 20 or something but renounced it to get married to a man she only dated for two weeks.

when she realized that she'd rather buy a kitchen pan than a hot bra was when she realized that she was a grown up. she told me i should look out for that day myself. (she seriously told me that! so hot.)

she has 5 childrens. 2 girls, 1 boy, and one set of twins (boys also).

she still has the hots for her hubby. the lawyer. (i didn't really need to know this)

during our hike we came across a group of high school dudes on the running path and she told me we had to run faster becuase she "didn't want eyes on her bouncing behind"!!! dude. she's rad. she totally has an accent and she totally has to be mail order. has to be. so hot.

the other milfs are aight, but she's my fave. she also always lies to our coach and tells her she did mad push ups but that she did them really fast so that's why our coach didn't see her. HAHAHA. LIES!! coach hates her. she also pulls the "my english isn't good" card like every chance she gets. coach hates her alot. it's the best class ever.

this is hot too. i can't wait to see this train wreck at the VMA's next week!!!!

"It's Britney, Bitch!"

oh also....

2007-08-20T23:24:00.001-07:00

RIP Leona Helmsley. you were a crazy ass ho that should have probably been dead a long time ago judging from yo tore up face.

is that mean? cos that was an homage.

so...

2007-08-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

the other day i was at the supermarket in the ceral aisle, and in the oatmeal section there was this box with dinosaurs on it so i had to look at it and it said i had to buy it because when you add water to the oatmeal there are dinosaur eggs in it that hatch dinosaurs.

they do. it's awesome. you should buy it. i couldnt even wait to take pictures and show you. i will. but i wanted you to know as soon as possible. this is the best invention ever.

dinosaur eggs. in oatmeal!

ps- fruity cheerios. good.

an ode to instructional dance songs

2007-08-13T16:50:00.000-07:00

imma buy you a drank

2007-08-13T16:37:00.000-07:00

...imma take you home with me.

i got money in the bank, shorty what you think 'bout that.

ps- i'll be in the gray cadillac, we in the bed like ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, oo.
we in the bed like ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, oo.

I heart Jeff Lewis.

2007-08-07T22:36:00.000-07:00

(this is a really horrible youtube video, but it's the only one available!!so pipe down hobags!)

Homegirl is hot. i fucking love this gay. he is exactly who i want to be. he's nuts and hot and succsessful and...nuts!!!! and he knows he's nuts which is extra hot!!! plus, he has really good taste and doesnt take crap from his staff (most of the time) and he has a hot housekeeper named Zoila that im pretty sure is Salvie and he's kind of selfish but in a hot way and he's into psychics and spiritual readers and he's all paranoid about crap and he's hot!!! i'm really into this ho. i wish he would adopt me. Jeff Lewis, if you're reading this....holla at'cha girl!

i went to comicon....

2007-08-06T00:55:00.000-07:00

and the best part of that whole day was this delicious hot dog. no joke.

actually, it made me really dizzy and nauseous but that could have been all the nerd air. seriously, comicon air is some funky shit.

nothing worth noting went down. i was too dizzy to take any decent pictures of freaks. there was this one guy who looked like my dad (mid 50's, asian) dressed as a cute monkey. not that he was cute as a monkey but he was going for a "Cute Monkey" look. You know like those little kid pajamas that are like full on animal suits like head to toe....and they have like ears and shit. and like only a cut out for where your face goes...?! you know what i'm talking about? i dont know what people call that crap cos my mom knew better than to put something like that on me! i would have told that bitch where she could shove that kind of outfit. not hot. not comfortable. anyway. he was that. a monkey one. head to toe.

oh oh. i did meet clark from Clark and Michael. he's friends with my brother though so i had to go up to him to tell him my brother said "what's up". i think that's kind of like going to prom but taking your cousin. god....comicon sucks.

bullet points. stupid,crappy ones.

2007-07-19T21:55:00.001-07:00

in a perfect world, i wouldn't be lazy and i'd have the energy to write about all this crap extensively. however, a giant bowl of ice cream with m&m easter eggs (i know. gross right.) and about 30 mini chocolate chip cookies totally make even the idea of thinking about a perfect world feel like far too much work. i'm totally the laziest marshmallow in los angeles. yay.

actually this crap doesnt need any extensive-ness. it's all crap. but it's hot crap!

-two nights ago i was at a bar. it was boring, i left. a bum called me britney spears. actually he was convinced i was britney spears. this made me upset. i ate a tub of frozen yogurt. maybe i am britney spears.

-paula abdul is nuts and cries a lot. a lot. it's awesome because half the time she is obviously fake crying. does vicodin make you think fake crying is real crying? no, i doubt this. that ho is just insane. also, her whole staff hates her. it's so rad. she throws awesome tantrums. her show is just like My Super Sweet Sixteen.

-the flight of the conchords dudes are hot.

-i get to go the emmy's again. the marshmallow in me is not happy about this because i will have to look for a dress. i want to visit the lady with the crazy attic full of vintage in the fashion district that tells you when something looks crappy on you. i hope she fits me in a hot vintage moomoo and calls me a fatty. also, i called it the shmemmy's far before kathy griffin. i should sue that bitch. or make her give me a job. that would be hot. i hope she's at the shmemmy's so i can tell her what's up. she was there last year but was overshadowed by the hot dog whisperer whos' kind of douchey. (that's hot. dog whisperer. not hot dog whisperer. though, if he could whisper to hot dogs, i think i'd have to marry him) also hot was the bar made of ice and vodka. or something like that. i heart the shmemmy's. and open bar.

-panda express is gross. ive been eating a two item combo all day. i cant stop. maybe it will make me fake cry.

-last nite i saw heath ledger with a slutty hoochie attatched to him. the slutty hoochie was not his baby momma. i wish he showed up to the bar as the joker. instead, we got heath ledger in knee length denim shorts and a douchy straw hat. and a slut. and bad dancing.

-i want to go to the oc fair. i will eat Corndogs, BBQ Corn, Deep Fried something-doesn't matter what, Pickles, Beef Jerky, a Baked Potato thing, Stuff on sticks, and other crap that will probably make me puke. perfect.

-i have an iphone. it was my belated birfday gift. i love it. everyone refuses to accept it as my new child. i named it oprah last week. i named it lindsay lohan this week. it better not crap out on me. the accessories are shitty.

-i hope i run into Posh at Chili's. they really do have bomb nachos. or El Torito. 99 cent Tacos on Tuesdays! 4$ Margaritas!! way better than Rubios Taco Tuesdays. but not better than 1$ scoop tuesdays at Baskin Robbins.

-i'm going to start substitute teaching. the childrens better be hot and not bother me. i plan to keep them up to date on the goings on of lindsay lohan daily. they better like it.

-i love the lady at the 2minutes 02 seconds point through the 1 minute 25 seconds point of this video from "Victoria Beckham: Coming to America". she's wearing a powder blue suit. she thinks she's a memaid. she does a dolphin call. the video is shitty but it's the only one that exists of her. she's my hero!!! she' the hottest bitch in beverly hills!!!:

shame on me twice!!!!

2007-07-06T23:39:00.000-07:00

what is wrong with me?? how dare i not wish all three of you that still read this crap (one of which is uh, me.) a happy quatro de julio!!!!....

....hey, i totally have an uncle named Julio. I wonder if he would be mad if i started calling him July. Uncle July. that's hot. and trashy somehow. anyway.....i really hope all of you bitches did it traditionally classy and put on your cut off denims, sat in a kiddie pool, drank some bud light, and stuffed a bunch of hot dogs in your mouths to celebrate america!!!! thanks british people for not instilling in us any of your dignified ways. i couldn't be happier to not like tea or um...not not like eating hot dogs. or something. i don't know....

i really just like eating hot dogs. and being trashy. on america's fake birfday.

Fo'uth of July Mojitos anyone?

ps- check out my hot homemade giant fo'uth of july ice cream sandwiches!!!! these things will keep me a marshmallow fo' life! yay.

(peanut butter cookie on the top, m&m cookie on the bottom!! don't they make you want to be a lifetime marshmallow too!!)

pps- that julio iglesias picture was the only awesome thing that came up when i google-imaged "quatro de julio"......totally fitting.

Hope you bitches got wasted and fell asleep on your lawns. Haha farmer tans all around. white people are funny.

shame on me!!!!

2007-07-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

how horrible am i? how dare i not wish the woman after whom i am modeling my life a happy barfday!!!!! what is wrong with me? i think i have a serious problem. actually, it's because i am too busy emulating her life to have any time to put together a post for her on her actual barfday (the 2nd of july!)!! but that is no excuse....

L.L. you know i love you more than any words can explain. and really i don't need words when i have these pictures of you to show the world why you are so deserving of my love and respect...Happy 21st!!!!! may you survive another year thus bringing the world that much closer to your complete mental breakdown and that hot video of you robbing a liquor store!!! ( because we've all already seen your tits and coochie. )YAY!!

or maybe i could....

2007-06-22T22:13:00.000-07:00

You have to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less.

Where is your cell phone?
:: i dont care

Your hair?
:: broke ass weave-ish

Where is your father?
:: golfing being asian

Your favorite thing to do?
:: getting in trouble

Your dream last night?
:: full of celebrities

Your favorite drink?
:: mixes with vodka

Your dream truck?
:: aw hell no

The room you're in?
:: tv, computer, couch

Time you wake up
:: ten through two

Your fears?
::trannies with vaginas

Your favorite food
:: full of fat

Who did you hang out with last night?
:: skanky slut ho

What you're not good at?
:: having a job

Muffins?:
:: stinky or tainted

One of your wish list items?
:: pocket karl lagerfeld

Where did you grow up?
::san gabriel valley

The last thing you did?
:: created new smoothie

What are you wearing?
:: shirt, leggings, bangles

Your favorite place?
:: los angeles, cali

Who did you talk to last?
:: the dez machine

Your computer?
:: i want iphone

Your life?
:: modeled after zsazsa's

Your mood?
:: a hungry marshmallow

Missing?
:: not being marshmallow

What are you thinking about right now?:
:: margs, tan, beer-b-que

Your car?
:: nelson cher mandela

Your work?
:: eat, drink, sleep

Your summer?
::all year long

Your favorite color(s)
::clear, shiny, diamond

When is the last time you laughed?
::flight of conchords

Last time you cried?
::i hate oprah

School?
:: is for chumps!

i couldnt have described myself any better....

2007-06-16T01:36:00.001-07:00

these rad nerd quizzes are so much hotter than surveys.

You scored as Emma Frost, Emma Frost is a former enemy of the X-Men but has joined them. She finds certain rules about not reading minds without permission to confining, and she still retains a bit of a bad-girl side. Some x-men are not certain of her alligence, and for good reason. Powers: Telepathy, Can turn her skin into Diamond, Psychic persuasion

Emma Frost

95%

Iceman

85%

Jean Grey

80%

Storm

65%

Gambit

60%

Rogue

60%

Beast

55%

Colossus

50%

Cyclops

40%

Wolverine

35%

Nightcrawler

30%

Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

i would have preferred a picture of sean connery......

2007-06-15T22:19:00.000-07:00

You scored as James Bond, Agent 007, James Bond is MI6's best agent, a suave, sophisticated super spy with charm, cunning, and a license's to kill. He doesn't care about rules or regulations and somewhat amoral. He does care about saving humanity though, as well as the beautiful women who fill his world. Bond has expensive tastes, a wide knowledge of many subjects, and his usually armed with a clever gadget and an appropriate one-liner.

James Bond, Agent 007

100%

Batman, the Dark Knight

88%

Lara Croft

79%

El Zorro

79%

Captain Jack Sparrow

75%

Indiana Jones

71%

Neo, the "One"

71%

William Wallace

63%

Maximus

58%

The Terminator

50%

The Amazing Spider-Man

50%

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

i did it again!

2007-06-15T01:48:00.000-07:00

....i totally forgot to wish my absolute most favoritest ladies in the whole world a happy barfday on wednesday!!!! i hope they will forgive me.

they finally turned 21! i read about their party on one of those gossip blogs and that shit sounded so fucking boring i won't even bother cutting and pasting the story here. something about family and close friends and dinner and like i dont know, being like normal or something lame. blah blah blah.

...actually, my 21st barfday was also boring. the olsens and i must really be soul sisters then!!! so hot. all i did on my 21st was eat at a local japanese restaurant with my fams and some cousins and like a handful of friend-hoes and then my best friend at the time took me to the ESPN zone. she wasn't 21 so we had to go somewhere neutral. i was one of the first of all my friends to turn 21 so it was boring as shit and then i got wasted at school the next day just cause i could. omg, did i really just type that story. eh, oh well...im really far too lazy to delete it so enjoy! seriously, being lazy is the most liberating thing that has ever happened to me. i totally don't give a fuck anymore. kinda like old people. old people are always telling me once you hit a certain age you don't give a shit what you say or do and that other people can suck it. i've always hearted old people. anyway, happy barfday olsen twins.....you continute to inspire me to dress fug and throw up my meals. (but im too lazy to follow through on puking. sorry.)

is this ho hot?

2007-05-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

...because i don't get it.

i mean, i know she (jessica biel) has big boobs. and she's like skinny but not like puking style skinny so i know dudes are into that.....but still. bitch looks like any other ho to me. like i see this bitch at the mall, at the nail shop, at chili's! mmm..chili's. they have bomb nachos. she doesn't even dress particularly awesome. or say particularly awesome things. or DO partiularly awesome anythings! i seriously don't get what the big deal about this slut is. she has big teef. and she looks fucking boring. really? i do not see this bitch partaking in any kind of fun time hotness.

now this bitch....this bitch looks like a good time:

fuck. that woman is wasted.

plus one

2007-05-09T14:51:00.000-07:00

yesterday was my birfday.

my chipotcake was almost as awesome as the 4-pack of Boddington's cake i made!

yeah...i had to postpone all my planned birfday activites because ive been like way sick since coming back from italy.

....so sick i haven't had any alcohol since half way through italy. so sick i've been living off applesauce and madelines. so sick i had to cancel my bff birfday dinner. so sick i had to convince myself to leave the house and at least hit up chipotle on my birfday. so sick i couldn't have a chipotle marg or burrito on my birfday. so sick i've watched every simple life season on dvd. so sick i've watched every TLC series marathon, every Bravo series marathon, every VH1 series marathon, and so much Food TV i can predict when Rachel Rae will say "yummo" (oh my god, i want to kill her), when Emeril will say "yeah baby"(oh my god, i want to puke), and when to change the channel because that gd creepy Sandra Lee is coming up next.

so sick i actually admitted all these things.

i really just want a hamburger.

....and a corndog. and a burrito. and some pancakes. and some pizza (mozza actually). and some sushi. and some fries. and some cupcakes. and some mcnuggets. and some nachos. and a margarita. and some mole poblana. and a pupusa. and some champagne.

is that so much to ask?

stupid sick.

EW, and i didn't even get to open any real presents from my parents yet! that's like my second favorite thing, after, um, it just being my birfday, that i love about my birfday!!! i won't get one of my presents until the summer and i can't get the other until i'm not sick anymore!! fucking lame. 27 better not suck. ew did i just say 27. goddamnit.

i did get Dinosaur Valley Girls on dvd. so 27 probably won't suck actually.

a countdown begineth

2007-04-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

hey sluts, please get to work on this list for me. i heart spring because um....i dont know. it's just hot. plus my birthmonth is in spring so i know how much everyone sits through all the months of spring just waiting to celebrate may-j-saurus month. yay. so all of you need to seriously get with the program and start reevaluating priorities. which, duh, should be: jasmin, drinking, talking shit. yay.

ok so these are things i think people should do with me sometime between now and italy and sometime between my return from italy and job. oh and these are besides my birfmonth activities. there will be about 5 to choose from probably for that. you totally love me.

(oh yeah im going to italy. i don't think i told everyone. i leave saturday so get to it, whores.)

- booze picnic with booze and cake and water guns filled with booze and waterballoons and lowrider bikes and no bees

- booze bonfire with booze and fire and um...i hate s'mores so, fuck that crap, but more booze is good

- booze bbq with carne asada and 80's freestyle disco and corona's and a jumpy thing and a pinata and mousie and sad girl

- booze fieldtrip with hot people and hot shopping and hot cultural activities

- booze and the metro and el downtown de los angeles

- booze con pan dulce party on norma's front porch

- booze and camping with nintendo

- booze plus skank plus skeez plus ho

-booze and business people

- booze party at the condom with junk food and sleeping and peliculas and hello kitty sleeping bags

- booze and the hard avenidas de highland parque con Marnocha aka:Labios, El Lagrimo, La Sleepy, y La Little Jota

- booze and taking over unsuspecting diners

- booze and more bars

- booze and dancing

- booze and photobooths

- booze floats

- booze and benches

- booze on a sidewalk

- booze and the lazy

- booze and shoop

- booze and shoop phone calls

- booze and some rat-a-tat-tat

- booze and talking shit

- margaritas at chipotle

ok that's all for now. i'm sure more will spontaneously emerge, but for now...GET TO WORK!

the hot song post for march - all timbaland edition

2007-03-27T00:41:00.000-07:00

i know i do this alot. but i can't help it. i am a total sucker for hot songs with big boobs. or the equivalent of that in jasmin-music world: which is, a hot club song with lyrics that could have been found in a slutty thirteen year old's diary!!!!

timbaland has been laying down the hotness for a really long ass time. he basically IS missy elliot (and by that i mean: you know how in that one video from the 90's with the fat dude singing behind a curtain with like a harmonica or some shit and there's like not fat dudes singing to the crowd, but really the fat dude is the one with all the talent...well, timbaland is kind of like that, but he's not fat. missy is.) anyway, i forgot what i was talking about and im too lazy to go up and re read it....but timbaland is a hot producer who sometimes puts out his own tracks when he's not being the fat dude with the harmonica behind missy elliot's curtain. except he's not fat. missy is.

here are two of timbaland's current projects:

one is the hotness that is the Omarion ballad featuring Timbaland about Omarion having a refrigerator/freezer instead of a heart! i totally relate, which is why i like this song. please don't think i'm kidding. the actual lyric is "..i got a icebox where my heart used to be.." so....there. i think i have a gelato maker where my heart used to be. i'm seriously made of carbohydrates. soft ones!!

the second one is the hotness that is the Timbaland song, featuring Nelly "boring but hot" Furtado, and Justin "hot but embarassing" Timberlake. Not only does Nelly do a hot job singing on this track, Timbaland shit talks Scott Storch (who is seriously the biggest douchebag looking dude ever!), but also....Justin tries to talk shit to Prince, which is really fucked up but hot because prince doesn't give a shit about that bitch, i'm sure. he's too busy being hot in begas shaking his ass for me and providing people in suits with braids and tambourines an unforgettable night. he is also busy being too sexy for middle aged nerds with tables with VIP bottle service who don't drink while i drooled over their grey goose bottles and over prince's ass while trying to get shit-faced on $15 dollar drinks, and totally succeeding, but still drooling over bottle service and tambourines and prince's ass. or something. wait, what? i forgot what i was talking about again.....

other timbaland-affected hotnessess include but are not limited to:
Pony by Ginuwine (hot)
Try Again by Aaliyah (pretty hot)
Oops (Oh My) by Tweet (extremely hot)
Big Pimpin by Jay-Z (hot)
Snoop Dog (What's My Name part 2) by Snoop Dogg (way hot)
Diamond Dogs by Beck (totally hot)
Cry Me A River by Justin Timberlake (pretty hot)
Put You On The Game by The Game (westside hot!)
and like pretty much most of the new Nelly Furtado album (hot), most of the new Justin Timberlake album (hot), and the whole Missy Elliott library or whatever (not hot, but what can you do...those bitches grew up together...)

....he's also releasing an album (which will feature the song i posted) in April. For that album he has reportedly collaborated with Elton John, Bjork, Dr. Dre, and some other hot and not so hot people.

let's look back.....

2007-03-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

.....on the hottest 3/4 birfday party ever in the history of 3/4 birfdays!!! shall we?

a long time ago, in february, i celebrated my 3/4 birfday! it was rad. i missed my 1/2 birfday because i was busy being hot in a third world country, so i made some hoes throw me a 3/4 birfday party at their condo(m)!!!!! invading other people's homes to throw yourself an almost birthday party is bomb.

the theme: Mi Vida Loca

i won't explain, because i don't need to. you should already know and appreciate why this is hot. and because i'm lazy. and because i don't remember what happened that night.

(yes, my cake was a corn tamale, and yes my candle was a votive one. POR VIDA, holmes!)

a good time

2007-03-02T11:33:00.000-08:00

remember when i told you about the of montreal show? well, this video is basically what it was like at the show. pretty much, kind of, but not really. this is also basically what i want my birthday party in may to be like. pretty much, kind of, but...not really. it's hot:

oh my god, i really want to marry kevin barnes. or rollerskate with him or something. he's fabulous.

liz taylor is hot shit at 75!

2007-03-02T10:59:00.000-08:00

does it really take 75 years to master the perfect birthday outfit? i hope not. i think this is where learning from the accomplishments of others would do me some good.

checklist:

diamonds - check

red shoes - check

white satin - check

fur - check

hot wheelchair - check

this is seriously the best party outfit ever put together!

....ok, so im not really sure if liz taylor rolls through on a wheelchair like always now, cos i know she's had some problems with like leg pain or something, but i'm speaking on behalf of people that don't need wheelchairs: a wheelchair is a brilliant way to roll into your birfday!!!! i totally want one for mine!! like im totally lazy, and i love to get wasted, and if i had a wheelchair i can totally eliminate having to a)walk and b)...um, walk! walking is a serious impedement on both the lazy and the wasted, so...this is totally the best solution! and if it's not motorized you're totally not breaking any laws if you have someone push you home!!! sweet.

(im totally not trying to be insensitive to liz or people in wheelchairs. im an asshole though so i probably am being insensitive. if you are either liz taylor or someone who needs a wheelchair and are offended by my wanting a wheelchair to accomodate my vices, i sincerely apologize and would like to take you out for a drink. im still going to show up in a wheelchair though.)

ps- it was liz t's birfday on tuesday and i hope you all ate some cake for her. she shouldnt be eating any of that because she's fat. Just kidding!

HAPPY 3/4 CENTURY LIZ!!! you're still hot and i heart your diamonds and your white diamonds perfume commercial!!!! you're so dynasty! and you're a true hot slut's hero!!! and i was jk about you not being able to eat cake! you totally should. but then you should probably puke it out!

GOOD NEWS!!!

2007-03-01T11:16:00.000-08:00

temp agencies totally hate me so i won't be getting a job anytime soon!!! isn't that great? i guess even the business world knows im too hot for that shit. haha jk.

so i went to the agency and it was hot at first. they made me watch this AWESOME video where the dude who started the agency does this awesome intro where he talks about something boring. i dont know what he said because i was totally mesmerized by his look....he had a cool accent, a fake tan, and italian shoes.. oh and oil in his hair. like that wet shine crap or whatever. i totally used to use that crap in like 1993. i was hot when i was 13. i also wore t-shirts with bugs bunny wearing cross colors. no pictures of this exist. anymore. anyway, back to that hot accent dude....oh did i mention he was like 110 years old? yes. so rad. so while i was watching his mouth move i started thinking about how many tons of oil were sitting on that man's head and if it would start to ooze. it didn't happen and i was disappointed.

ok then, the video turned out to be about safety and they tell you like pretty much that you can't do anything at your temp job without written permission by the agency because they basically own your soul. that was hot, i was down with that. it's like having a pimp, which is totally desireable. so after thinking about how much hotter it would have been if the oily old man actually dressed up as a pimp on the video and kept it real, all these hot people came on the screen and did things that were jeopordizing their safety, ok jeopordizing the old oily dude's bank account because you are a liability. apparently being lazy is both safe and unsafe. for example, you can't pick stuff up like off the floor while you are still seated in your office chair (lame), but if the job asks you to do something not in the contract you have to tell those ho's HELL NO! thats rad.

they totally tell you that you can NOT under any circumstances drive your car to pick up lunch or coffee for any of those bitches, or answer phones, or change the soda in the soda dispenser (i swear that was in the video!hahahaha!), or do anything that makes you uncomfortable if those bitches didn't put it in the job description!

this, i thought, was awesome because it would be really easy to manipulate any situation. like seriously, you could totally work lazy to your advantage and be like "sorry...it didn't say being not lazy was part of the job! and it makes me really uncomfortable to not be lazy so i would appreciate it if you didn't ask me to not be lazy again"!! oh my god, that's a dream come true!!! i dont know what else went on because i started to scheme about how to get around having to do things and decided that this should apply in all areas of life....and then the video ended!

i told the chick that was assissting me, and then the dumb bitch tells me there's a fucking QUIZ!!!! she totally tricked me. i think i failed....and everything pretty much went downhill from there.

after the quiz, they made me go get my social sec.# verified because i look illegal. both my parents totally passed on that gene to me! just kidding! they made me do it because i didnt bring my card. so i did that at some soc.sec office downstairs and when i came back this like totally lame dude comes and tells me he'll be interviewing me and then he's totally an asshole and i decide i hate him and that i am going to give him really bad answers to piss him off!! it was awesome!!

at first, he asked me really lame questions that i had really hot answers to. but he didnt like my hot answers because HE wanted to be the one in a hot yellow dress holding a donna karan bag and wearing jessica simpson brand heels.

he then asked me what ive done since graduation and i told his ass i was traveling the world on my parents back account and he got even more mad and pretty much ended the interview there!! im not kidding!! he was such a hater drama queen!!!

so then he told me that while he would "let me know if any jobs that fit my interest pop up" it was unlikely there would be any work within the next two weeks and that i should check in with a different one of their agencies closer to my area! um, EWWW! seriously. so i told him that i would probably not end up needing a job because my parents will pay for me to do nothing for six weeks before i go to italy anyway but that i appreciated his time. im hot.

psh, who wouldn't want me? im totally responsible and respectable:

(so drunk)

hahahahha...i crack myself up!

progress....

2007-02-26T17:48:00.000-08:00

dude..............i am still so totally bored. everyone i know has like, things to do. like real things. so lame. i totally tried to call people today and everyone was all,"i have a job.." blah blah blah. so gross. the only person i know who does even less than i do is my brother! and he sleeps all day, so i can't even not do things with him!! it's pretty sad guys. you should really feel sorry for me. it is so hard to be the only person with nothing to do but drink coffee, plan her birthday parties for the next three years, and watch E!'s all day Oscar Red Carpet coverage over and over and over because she's too lazy to change the channel (this is serious, i am so lazy i can not even pick the remote up and get rid of Ryan Seacrap's face...my god, he is the most annoying elf on the planet!!....and i don't even like awards shows!!).

so in between all the self imposed responsibilities i mentioned above, i decided to call up a temp agency and schedule an interview! totally stoked. im going tomorrow and they told me to dress "professional". This is totally the hottest thing that has been on my to-do list since...hm...i think this is the first thing that has been on my to do list all year. I hope they find my Manila Folder and Starbucks drink professional enough. I hope they place me somewhere awesome too, where there is a watercooler and middle aged people and um...whatever office people make jokes about that i never understand. i'll let you know how it goes.

ps- i totally forgot to mention a while ago that i went to the Of Montreal show at the Troubador. My Scissor Sisters post totally reminded me how stoked i was about this:

isn't that the hotness, for reals? Thanks to Kristen and Andy for letting me borrow a space on their hot camera for this!! Of Montreal is seriously hot shit and they are really fucking awesome live. Kevin (the lead ho) totally puts on an awesome show!! he totally came out in a bunch of different outfits throughout the course of the show, including but not limited to: denim cut off shorts, a giant lobster claw on one hand, something super glittery and sequined, um....some really long giant dress that he had to get on a ladder to wear, and some other stuff i dont remember because this was almost a month ago.

i think half of the people there were either scared or disgusted! it was awesome. i dont even get why people would be either of those things but you know how it is...people are lame.

there were alot of people that did their best to get their dance on but the lame people totally outnumbered the hot people so that kind of sucked. kevin barnes is way way way hot though, so that made up for all the lame people who were afraid of glitter and gayness.

that entourage dude was there and he was not afraid of glitter. and it was the HOT entourage dude too! i dont watch that show, but i know who that dude is...well after it was pointed out to me. i know him more as the hot dude from the classic Melissa Joan Hart film: "Drive Me Crazy"!

anyway, y'all should totally check them out next time they play! they totally do the outback steak house song, but not the outback steak house version...even though that was requested by someone in the audience!!

Outback Steak House Version:

Troubador Version:

Music Video Version:

when awesome-ness unites!

2007-02-23T10:41:00.000-08:00

this is kind of old, but i never get sick of it because ......

a)passions is hot shit
and
b) the scissor sisters are even hotter shit...

it's totally weird and retarded...so it only makes sense that i love it:

......yes, this is totally a coping mechanism for my heartbreak. losing both, passions AND the oc, is more than i can handle. i can't even start to comment on the oc....

ok, i totally need a job.

hot bangs

2007-02-22T15:48:00.000-08:00

this nelly furtado video makes me miss my dark hair. her bangs are fucking hot, so is this song. too bad this bitch is kind of boring. i'd probably be all about her if she was like scandelous or something.

in other news, am i the only person who is not into gwen stefani? people always try to make me like her. she's totally boring. like i am into her songs because they are retarded, but i'm just as into Fergie for the same reason and i get shit for being into Fergie. Fergie and Gwen are like totally the same. they are both funky in the face with hot bodies and bangs (*when they have bangs* those hoes are fickle.). and they are both into spelling. ok maybe Fergie is a little more into spelling.

im booooorrrreeeeeddddddddd! if you are too, you might want to consider the excellent opportunity i am offering!! read to find out more!

2007-02-22T00:00:00.000-08:00

im so bored. im still trying to get back on LA time. it's sooo annoying. also, my best friend left for spain for 3 months like two weeks ago and now i have less people to go out drinking with. ok one less people, but she was just as much in love with the booze as i am and so was the most consistent company. damn.

hm....if anyone wants to temp for her, please feel free to. here are the requirements, all of which are preferred but not necessary:

a) must love booze (preferably the hard stuff because beer people and booze people do not always see eye to eye)

b) must be hilarious, almost as hilarious as i am to myself

c) must be not boring

d) must be at least slightly addicted to caffeine and willing to indulge that addiction

e) must be interested in listening to me talk about target's wonderful plate selection while drunk

f) must be into taking obscene amounts of pictures, especially while drunk...and usually of this variety:

g) must carry one or two extra lollipops for me in case i go through all of the ones in my purse before the end of the night

h) karaoke. but not me. you. and then i watch and laugh at your ass and yell that you're a hot bitch while you sing.

i) must be willing to expect most non person to person conversations with me to take place via text message

j) must be willing to shoop

k) must know lyrics to or be willing to learn the lyrics to the following songs: Too Close by Next, Me and You by Cassie, Sexyback by Justin Timberlake, Peaches and Cream by 112, and that hot new Nelly Furtado song, "Say It Right"...for sure. that song is seriously hot., oh and of course the moving "Stars Are Blind" by the very talented Paris Hilton.

l) must love Chipotle.

m) must love Chipotle margs.

.....that's about it. this position also requires you put in about 20 hours of your week devoted to hanging out with me. your payment is that you get to hang out with me.

this is hot. if i were you i'd totally apply!!

a sucker for assholes!

2007-02-20T22:12:00.000-08:00

ok so the debut of the promised hotness that is Vh1's 'The Agency' is only about 6 minutes in and i am already head over heels in love with this shit!! it's totally mean to wanna be model ho's! but just the girls. they're totally nice to the dudes! i heart it. girls already have low self esteem and these ruthless bitches tell them they're fat and ugly!!! ike turner would be proud! actually, add Joe Simpson, and Beyonce's svengali father, and probably Britney's mom, and Dinah Lohan to that list. Oh and Drew Barrymore's mom too. oh and Joan Crawford, because she was really bitchy. and Janice Dickinson too. man, see how hot this show is!!! the agents on this show do not fuck around....this show is all business! and you know how i feel about that!! i hope the models go on power-puking binges!!! i can't wait to see the eating disorders and mental breakdowns and for them to keep calling skinny people fat. hahahahhaah, that always cracks me up! they are totally ruining lives...we have so much in common already!! ok, i'm going to go throw up dinner for dessert now, i think a commercial break should be enough time.

...and i was right. it is totally as powerful as Vogue is at trying to make you feel inadequate, but this will reach way more people because it eliminates literacy as a weapon for self destruction. now you don't even have to know how to read to hate yourself more than you probably already do!!! that means a whole new demographic will feel the need to have things they don't need and meet a standard of beauty that is impossible to attain....then they'll have to have all kinds of hot therapy to ever feel like they belong!!! or they could just become sluts!! annoying sluts with complexes and no self respect!!! yay!!! self respect is so overrated and such a hinderance anyway!! go anna wintour and the rest of the fashion world!! no but for reals, i love the fashion world. come on, that shit is funny!! (i tried to find video of the hot opening "scene" of the show, but i couldn't. you should definitely try to watch it. just the first like 2 minutes. it's fucking hot because this fat dude named pink straight up just tells hoe's they're fat, ugly, and old, and starts picking away at their appearances!!! hahahahaha)

oh and on a mostly unrelated note: i watched about 300 movies on the airplane because Virgin Atlantic is awesome and has an excellent movie library, and i watched what i expected to be the god awful mess that i heard was Marie Antoinette....and i totally loved it! even though i hate that stupid bitch Kirsten Dunst. she's so fucking gross. but the movie is hot and it was easy to ignore that bitches ugliness. and the dude she has an affair with...Count Fersen or whatever...he's a hot bitch! i want more of that dude on the small, big, and whatever other kind of screen there is. oh and i'll also have more of the cake, chocolate, and champagne that was all over that film!! that shit looks delicious. in fact, i'll take it all in real life. it's probably cheaper just to deliver that dude, the cake, the chocolate, and champagne via USPS than to put them all in a movie. actually, i can even do without the hot dude.

jolly ho!

2007-02-20T18:51:00.000-08:00

....no, that is not a reference to myself! i just got back from london and i thought i'd try out some of the catchphrases i picked up!!

...ok, no one actually says jolly ho. i don't even think that's a phrase assoicated with the british. i think i totally made that up or got it wrong or something. what is the phrase then? tally ho? shit.....actually, i don't really care.

so i totally forgot to let you bitches know i was leaving. and i also forgot to leave you guys a nice happy vagina day wish! so to make up for that, here is a sugary vagina treat just for you:

.....that's better than any candy i've ever seen or tasted, that's for sure!!

in other news: i'm supposed to look for a job. um......

...yeah, drawing a complete blank. can't i just stand around holding a manila folder, a legal pad, and a starbucks? i have this really rad secretary skirt and a nice pair of black pumps to do that in too!....so, who wants to hire me? oh oh and i am not opposed to bloody mary's, happy hour menus, or power lunches!! i don't understand why i don't have a job already. i totally meet all the requirements for business!

check out this awesome picture i snapped of the hotness that is the london business dude:

....london business people do not mess around! they are totally my favorite part of the city. business people are the serious hotness. they power everything and that is a serious turn on. power lunch, power walk, power suits, power meetings, power happy hour, power vacay, power computer, power hail a taxi, power subway ride, power hire a hooker, power embezzle, power crush the hopes and dreams of those beneath them in order to get ahead. so hot! i want to power jasmin. i'm not exactly sure how that is different from regular jasmin-ing, but it sounds like fun. i think it just means i get to wear glasses whenever i do what i do. because i'm already really awesome at what i do. shut up, i totally do stuff! balancing drinking coffee and alcohol AND eating, and keeping up with the Target Go! designers is really hard work! oooo, i'm totally putting those on my resume!!

Someone better snatch me up before i get lured in by the competition!

footballers wives: a model of the future

2007-02-10T10:01:00.000-08:00

.....um, i am starting to think Footballers Wives is a look into the future....

yet another Footballers Wives plot line come to life!!

Zsa Zsa Gabor's (who is my fairy whore mother, but she doesnt know it) crazy awsomely accented royal husband is claiming he magically inseminated anna nicole smith and that HE is indeed the father!!! fuck lifetime, this is a story for Maury!!!

i hop zsa zsa makes some kind of statement. you know she'll say something hot and bitchy and about diamonds!

Zsa Zsa Gabor's Husband May Be Baby's Father

LOS ANGELES, February 9, 2007 - The husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor had a decade-long affair with Anna Nicole Smith and may be her daughter's father, he told The Associated Press on Friday.

The claim, by Prince Frederick von Anhalt, comes amid a paternity suit over Smith's 5-month-old daughter, Dannielynn. The birth certificate lists Dannielynn's father as attorney Howard K. Stern, but former boyfriend Larry Birkhead is waging a legal challenge, saying he is the father.

"If you go back from September, she wasn't with one of those guys, she was with me," von Anhalt told The Associated Press. He said he would file a lawsuit if Dannielynn is turned over to Stern or Birkhead.

Von Anhalt, 59, and Gabor, who turned 90 on Tuesday, have been married for more than 20 years.

Gabor, a one-time sex symbol and star of such 1950s films as "Moulin Rouge" and "Queen of Outer Space," has been in declining health in recent years and suffered a stroke in 2005. She was partially paralyzed in a car crash in 2002.

Von Anhalt, who is Gabor's eighth husband, said he and Smith first met in the 1990s when Smith was still married to elderly oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II.

He said Smith approached him and Gabor at the Plaza Hotel in New York.

"She was a very big fan of Zsa Zsa and wanted to be like Zsa Zsa," he said. "She wanted to be a princess."

He said the two started an affair soon after, meeting over the years in Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York. For much of that time, he said, Smith urged him to make her a princess like his wife.

But short of divorcing the actress, he said the only solution would have been adopting Smith. Von Anhalt said he did consider that and even filled out adoption papers, but Gabor refused to sign them.

Edward Lozzi, who worked as Gabor's publicist during her celebrated "cop-slapping trial" in 1989, told the AP he doubted von Anhalt's claim, calling him a "chronic fabricator."

"There are some people who are married to famous people and take advantage of it," said Lozzi, who added that he himself dated Smith three times. He said he last spoke with her sometime during the past year.

Lozzi handled publicity for Gabor when she was arrested for slapping a Beverly Hills police officer who pulled her over for a traffic violation. She was convicted of misdemeanor battery on an officer, driving without a valid license and having an open container of alcohol in her car. She was sentenced to 72 hours in jail and fined $10,000.

Von Anhalt's royal credentials have been the cause of speculation over the years. According to stories in the British press, he was born Robert Lichtenberg, the son of a German policeman, and bought his title after being adopted as an adult by a bankrupt daughter-in-law of the last kaiser.

Von Anhalt said he never admitted the Smith affair to his wife, but that he's sure she knows. She would sometimes answer the phone when Smith called him late at night, von Anhalt said.

"The next morning my wife would always ask 'Who are you talking to?"' he said. "'Oh Europe.' I always said it was Europe."

Von Anhalt expressed some regret about the affair, saying "Men do things we shouldn't do."

"She was a very sexy woman," he added. "To have an affair with her is the top, you know."

Von Anhalt and Gabor were married in 1986. Some records list him as her ninth husband but one of those marriages was annulled.

i meant to post this a few hours ago, when it was still yesterday

2007-02-09T01:43:00.000-08:00

ew, wish me a happy 3/4 birthday whores!!

.....and now a message to anna nicole smith

Anna Nicole, you were once a hot slut that went nuts. which to me made you hotter. i will miss your trim spa commercials and your slurring and your boobs.

THIS IS TOTALLY JUST LIKE A FOOTBALLER'S WIVES PLOT LINE!!

2007-02-06T14:13:00.000-08:00

ok, so this astronaut whore tried to kidnap and kill some other astronaut whore because they were involved in a hot astronaut love triangle!!! ew, this totally makes me even madder that my mom would not let me go to astronaut camp when i was 8 thus ending my career as a space ho. I would do anything to be this close to a footballer's wives episode. my mom is such a bitch.

ok so in case you don't want to read the whole article here are some highlights:

they aren't sure if the crazy astronaut bitch was in a real or IMAGINED relationship with the Astronaut dude! HOT!!!

the crazy astronaut bitch drove from Houston to Orlando wearing an adult diaper so she wouldn't have to stop to use the bathroom! HOT!!!

the crazy astronaut bitch waited at the airport for the other hot astronaut lady bitch who she thought was trying to steal her imaginary astronaut boyfriend! HOT!!!

the crazy astronaut bitch was armed with pepper spray, a bb gun, and was wearing a hot wig and trench coat! HOT!!!!

the crazy astronaut bitch followed the hot astronaut lady bitch to her car and tried to get in. the hot astronaut lady bitch wouldn't let her and the crazy astronaut bitch started crying! HOT!!!

the hot astronaut bitch rolled her window down out of concern and the crazy bitch tried to pepper spray her!!!!!! SO HOT!!!

the hot astronaut lady bitch was able to drive to a booth and call the po!!!

later the po found a bag the crazy astronaut bitch tried to throw away. it had her wig, bb gun, a steel mallet, and some rubber tubing inside it! dang, that's hot.

this bitch is awesome. i am pretty sure she got all of her ideas from The OC, Footballers Wives, some old episodes of Dynasty, and maybe a random spanish novela. i can't wait for this whole thing to be on lifetime!!!

here's the actual article....but i think i did a better job!:

Astronaut to Face Attempted Murder Charge
Police Reports Say Lisa Nowak Wore a Disguise and Drove 900 Miles for Attempted Kidnapping

Feb. 6, 2007 — The NASA astronaut who allegedly tried to kidnap a woman involved in a bizarre love triangle with another astronaut will also face an attempted first-degree murder charge, an official said Tuesday.

The additional charge was announced after Lisa Nowak appeared in court Tuesday morning to face attempted kidnapping, attempted vehicle burglary with battery, and destruction of evidence and battery charges.

Originally, a judge agreed to release Nowak, who flew aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery last July, after she posted a $15,500 bond and agreed to wear a tracking device and stay away from the alleged victim.

An Orange County jail spokesman, however, said that Orlando police were in the process of adding the more serious charge — that the 43-year-old astronaut tried to kill the woman involved in the incident.

During the morning proceedings, chief astronaut Steve Lindsey, who flew with Nowak, testified that Nowak would return to Houston.

"Our primary concern is her health and well-being, and that she get through this," Lindsey said after the hearing. "Her status [with the astronaut corps] has not changed."

Nowak was also joined by another astronaut, Chris Ferguson.

The astronaut's arrest has baffled many who know her and work with her at NASA's Johnson Space Center.

A Navy commander and the married mother of a teenage son and twin 5-year-old girls, Nowak has logged more than 1,500 flight hours in 30 different aircraft.

The accuser is a woman who Nowak believed was romantically involved with fellow astronaut Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, according to police. Investigators are piecing together an assortment of evidence, including love letters and e-mails, that suggests a love triangle between the three.
The details in the affidavit portray a woman who was obsessed over a real or imagined relationship with Oefelein, who flew on the last shuttle mission in December.

Cross-Country Drive, Wearing Diapers
Police say that Nowak left Houston and drove 900 miles to the Orlando Airport, reportedly stopping only for gas and wearing adult diapers so she wouldn't have to stop to urinate.

At the airport, she waited for the return flight of Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman, who she believed was her rival for Oefelein's affections.

Nowak wore a trench coat and a wig to disguise herself, and carried pepper spray and a BB gun. She trailed Shipman to her car and attempted to enter the car, but Shipman drove to a parking lot booth and called the police.

From the police affidavit: "Lisa Marie Nowak (Arrestee) drove from Houston, Texas to Orlando, Florida in order to meet Colleen Shipman (victim) at the Orlando International Airport. Once Shipman arrived at the airport, Nowak followed Shipman to the blue lot where Shipman had parked her car. As Shipman gets into her car, Lisa Marie Nowak approaches Shipman's car, slaps the window, and tries to open the door. When Shipman will not open the door, Nowak begins to cry. Shipman cracks the window of her car at which time Nowak sprays pepper spray into the vehicle. Shipman is able to drive away from Nowak and ask for the Police. Nowak and Shipman were both in a relationship with another Astronaut. Nowak felt that she needed to meet with Shipman and discuss the details of their relationship with the male Astronaut."

After Shipman called the police, officers saw Nowak stuff a garbage bag into a trash can at the airport.

Inside the bag, they found a wig, trench coat, a BB pistol, a new steel mallet, a new folding knife with a four-inch blade, three to four feet of rubber tubing, several plastic garbage bags, and about $600 in cash.

Was There a Relationship?
Nowak and Oefelein did not fly on the same space shuttle mission, but they trained together for 11 days in 2002 at a Canadian army cold-weather survival camp.

Friends and colleagues are baffled over the allegations. One astronaut told ABC News that the astronaut corps at the Johnson Space Center was "totally, totally stunned. Everyone is just stunned."

Nowak is scheduled to be a capcom — capsule communicator — on the next space shuttle mission, STS 117, which is targeted for a March 15 launch date.

Will she be suspended?

No one at the Johnson Space Center is saying anything beyond confirming that Nowak is currently on active status. No one remembers a scandal of this proportion in recent memory in the astronaut corps.

Material from the Associated Press was used in this report.

a reminder (because i am a nice person. sometimes.)

2007-02-01T01:23:00.000-08:00

Proenza Schouler!!! tomorrow!!!! target!!!! i'll have a full report!!!! (see previous post titled "boring girl crap" for more information)

............and believe me when i say i will have a FULL report because i refuse to be at home at all tomorrow...my mom is totally being forced to throw a baby jesus party by her lame ass friends that i do not want to be a part of. target will be my sanctuary!!!! besides, i can't take any more of that ho (my mom) treating me like an incompetant secretary.....which is the right way to treat me, but it doesn't mean i have to take it. plus ladies of age in america are not anywhere nearly as entertaining as those in third world countries so there's no point in my staying. i wish my mom was zsa zsa. she's more like charo which means i have no idea what she's talking about, ever.

i don't care....

2007-02-01T01:08:00.000-08:00

....i still think they are the most beautiful little creatures in the whole world. and when i say that, i mean that literally, because we all know these hoe's aint human. i can't wait until someone realizes how lucrative it would be to clone the olsens and sell them in the special neiman marcus christmas book!!! i mean, you can already buy elton john through Neiman's, so really...it's not even that far fetched!! i'm totally going to get to work on this.....

oh man, my brilliance totally amazes me!

an uneventful post

2007-01-23T23:49:00.000-08:00

im totally behind on the oc. today i watched the episode when taylor tries to seduce ryan by being annoying then giving him chinese tea and when mini cooper has a crush on her super fine tennis instructor but then her whore mother who i love more than anyone else on the show makes out with him. im bummed about the show getting canceled. im glad im behind by several weeks because the pain will be prolonged. pretty much the show is the most boring thing ever. but i put up with that shit. i'm into that love and commitment crap. i don't think i'm ready to break up. anyway. jude law is still beautiful. i feel no shame objectifying him because he is delicious and that's what happens when you are delicious so i'm sure he doesn't mind. seriously though....can you honestly tell me you couldn't stare at that picture i posted all day? yeah, i'm totally twelve years old.

(part two of a series) why i have always, and will always love jude law

2007-01-23T02:07:00.000-08:00

and....

um....seriously.

why i have always, and will always love coco chanel

2007-01-23T01:31:00.000-08:00

....because that slut was a bitchy ass hoe with hot taste!! and that's seriously everything i aspire to be. actually it's no longer an aspiration because if you ask any of my friends they'll probably tell you i got the "bitchy ass hoe" part down. unless i just met you and then you'll think i'm a nice person. which i am....but mostly i am a nice person with "bitchy ass hoe" always lurking. but in a funny way. i don't mean any harm. wow, talking about myself is so fun.

so did you know coco was like way poor and then she slept with hot rich dudes and was able to open a store? also, she was a cabaret singer and that's where she got her nickname coco....man, if that doesn't wreak of hoe i don't know what does! (maybe Chanel No.5, that shit is not hot smelling AT ALL....which actually makes a lot of sense now...) yeah anyway, she did that crap then released her stinky perfume, then she made a hot dress suit for ladies which is now a hot business lady staple, and she also created the hottest little black dress ever. oh she also invented one of the hottest classiest purses ever, the hot quilted purse with a chain strap. and then, um...i dont know....she just stayed hot forever. she never got married and lived at the ritz and had fabulous people around her all the time!!! dude, totally living the hottest life! bitch was seriously lucky. room service forever is my dream come true....

eventually the insane karl lagerfeld took over and continued to make the hotness over at casa de chanel. he's still there. karl lagerfeld is one of the awesomest people alive today and one day i will tell you why...but for now just know he wrote a masterpeice of a book that has done humanity a great service and he should win a Pulitzer...it's called The Karl Lagerfeld Diet and it's seriously fucking amazing!!! and then he started making these really fantastic shirts on the side (not for chanel) with his hot face screen printed on them and then charged like $200 for them!!!

ok i know my little chanel biography up there is probably not that accurate and it pretty much does her whole life story no justice, but it's not like you sluts really want to read. do you hoes even know how to read? you just come here to look at my pictures huh? that's hot. JUST KIDDING! i know you hoes can read...but you don't like it cos you're lazy hookers, i get it. so here's some pictures:

more reading, but these are hot because they are quotes by lady coco:

"A woman should be two things: classy and fabulous."

"The opposite of luxury is not poverty. The opposite of luxury is vulgarity."

“There have been several Duchesses of Westminster—but there is only one Chanel!”

so hot. but still not as hot as my favorite quote of all time ever....

"i wasn't born, i was ordered from room service" - zsa zsa gabor

me too zsa zsa, me too.....

(i think i need to stop drinking coffee past 8pm.)

beautiful people have more important birfdays than anyone else

2007-01-16T12:51:00.000-08:00

seriously. they do.

i heart you kate moss. if i were to die, you are the only person i would want to come back looking like. just looking like though because if i were to die i'd totally want to come back as Zsa Zsa Gabor ....but with kate moss' hot face...because Zsa Zsa looks like my grandma. also, kate moss is really retarded when it comes to life decisions. Zsa Zsa is much hotter at that. Doing Green Acres was brilliant (correction: i got this bitch mixed up with her whore of a sister, eva! my bad, bitches. i should have fact checked that shit...she's still hot because she married a bunch of rich dudes and got mad money from her divorces though). And slapping people is always awesome. damnit, actually if i came back as Naomi Campbell i'd be the perfect woman. scratch the whole post. i heart Naomi.

happy birfday kate moss. i wish you lots of hot uninfected drug sex with your gross but seriously hot and crazy boyfriend Pete Doherty. you are living the life i don't want but kind of do because you are hot and your boyfriend is scary and that's really funny to me.

i want some!!!!

2007-01-15T00:12:00.000-08:00

mostly this shit is kind of boring, but it's hot because when you are watching you don't know if this ho is going to fall off whatever she's sitting on!! i totally love it when i'm so wasted that i don't know if i'm going to fall off a chair..so fun.

actually i do believe paula is really just exhausted. when i had to stay up all night to write papers on crap i hated i would be exactly like her when i would go to class to turn my brilliant shit in....greasy bangs and all. (apparently her rep is claiming exhaustion and not substance abuse for her behavior or whatever). really like it matters. it's hot to watch this bitch all messy and fucked up no matter what. that bitch is nutty and i love it. she's totally divorced. remember i told you about divorced people..nutty and slutty! i am still thankful! (if you are divorced and are niether nutty or slutty, then i don't mean you. but if you're divorced you probably are so nevermind...) just kidding baginas. i totally heart divorce.

ps- isn't she kind of:

so hot.

boring girl crap

2007-01-09T15:18:00.000-08:00

really boring girl crap! read on if you are a girl or like to get bored. i mean actually it's not even girl crap, it's boring fashion crap. (yes, i'm sexist.)

so yesterday i bought the new issue of Teen Vogue and it is totally the hottest issue of Teen Vogue in a long long time. it's totally hot in a boring girl way because there is nothing fucked up about it to make it hot....it's just hot because ALL of the clothes are amazing. there's a hot article about how girls hate themselves because everyone calls everyone fat. that's hot because regular vogue would never write that story because they would be the first to call you fat and then laugh at you. even if you aren't. ANYWAY, it's hot.

hotter than that is the article about the totally totally FAAAABUUULLOOOUUUSS!!! Proenza Schouler coming to TARGET! that might be boring news to some people but that is seriously one of the hottest things i've ever heard of! hotter than Viktor and Rolf at H&M. Hotter than Karl Lagerfeld putting his face on T-shirts. Hotter than hello kitty home accessories! i am stoked.

so yeah, if you're into that crap, you should seriously buy the new Teen Vogue. and don't be put off by the fug on the cover. i know, i almost passed on this issue. i guess that whole not judging crap because it's ugly is true. well sometimes. (ok i had to get the picture from ebay because even the teen vogue site won't put that mess up. wow, i am such a bitch. but seriously, that picture is so not cute.)

ps- is anyone (besides me, of course) watching the new season of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency? it is absolutely the worst show in all of television. it's awesome.

Being on time is so 2006....

2007-01-04T17:54:00.000-08:00

HAPPY 007

i hope you all enjoyed watching the world give birf to a new year while you drank some alcohols and put your tongue down someone's throat...traditions are a beautiful thing.

may 007 bring all you bitches some hot bond girls and like fast cars and a hot suit and stuff. sorry, that was lame....i got sick in begas from all the disease in the air. the skankhoes that migrate to las begas for new years are totally worst than west nile virus carrying mosquitoes. i'm lucky i'm alive!! i'll make more sense after i chug on my dayquill and have a stiff whiskey shot! oh wait, that's what i usually have for dinner. well, like i said....traditions!

Happy 2007 whorebitches.

an addendum (related to the previous post):

2006-12-27T02:29:00.000-08:00

i have seriously disgraced them. this is a reminder, for myself, to never do it again.

i advise you all to learn from my mistake and never drink obscene amounts of rum/home-made mojitos and attempt to shoop people on the phone during sleeping hours..deep sleeping hours. it's truly one of the worst possible crimes.

an apology to the victims of a recent shooping

2006-12-27T02:11:00.000-08:00

i am writing to apologize to anyone who might have received a three a.m. serenade on the morning of saturday, december 23rd, 2006. i speak for myself, although the other party involved (marisa!!!) might feel likewise, when i say that i in no way meant to bring shame to the good name of "salt 'n peppa". if you were shooped and felt in any way violated, i am deeply sorry and i hope one day to make it up to you. and i hope we can still be friends. also, if you were shooped, i probably do not remember calling you, and like the six other people that have already made me aware of my actions, i urge you to come forward, for rehabilitation's sake.

yours apologetically,

jasmin

ps-i have recently decided to adore a certain rupert murdoch for his continued efforts to indulge my ego on a certain recent business acquirement of his. (if you don't know what i'm talking about, don't worry, neither do i, most of the time).

pss- speaking of rupert, i highly recommend the vanity fair article on Sir Sumner Redstone. he should be cannonized. and knighted. *yes, i added the "Sir".

merry xxx-mas HOES!!!

2006-12-25T20:53:00.000-08:00

me, lindsay, and those other two sluts wish you all a very merry XXX-mas!!! get slutty for santa and instead of just sitting on his lap, give that skank a lap dance on this very special day, cos that bitch loves naughty hoes more than nice ones!!!!!

oh yes and happy birfday jesus. if it wasn't for your ass being all about taking away my sins, i'd have no presents on your birfday and that would be way lame! thanks for taking one for the team homie!!!!

feliz presents day everyone!!!

totally back to normal, which means i have no time for you skanks anymore

2006-12-19T14:56:00.000-08:00

sorry bitches......but i am pretty much recovered and so i have gladly resumed my life of excess and zero-responsibility.....which was actually not much different than when i was stuck at home but now i can drink margaritas. anyway, i'll try to get around to posting stuff more regularly. if anything, that break from the vacation which is my every day life totally gave me a chance to rekindle my love for talking shit on the internet and posting pictures of myself and other sluts. and sometimes a hoe or two. so maybe i'll post shit more regularly. maybe. i got really lazy for a really long time but i am kind of getting sick of lazy. hm, actually no i'm not.

ps- you'll be glad to know i have broken off my relationship with donuts and will not look a fat mess for the holidays. just a drunk mess.

hopefully something close to this:

but with a santa hat.

UM............

2006-12-08T20:05:00.000-08:00

how come no one told me BRAD was back????????

holy shit.

so having no life has totally afforded me the opportunity to indulge in all the crappy shit i used to love when i was in school and couldn't go out as much because of things like papers and finals. so today, im sitting here as i have been for the last 96 hours trying to fill the minutes (it has come to where every minute feels like an hour) until i can once again have human contact with someone that isn't a)my mom or b)maury povich and i'm flipping through channels and who's gorgeous neanderthal face and teef are grunting at me but my beautiful Brad of The Real World San Diego fame!!!!!!!! i died. ok, no. i started laughing. but i laughed so hard i could have given myself a heart attack. that ho is such a meat head. i fucking love him. and somehow bitch has become more cave-man in the face than he used to be!!! it's amazing.

this encounter prompted me to do a quick mtv.com search for pictures from The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Duel on which he can be currently seen.....this is totally better than a las begas jackpot, for sure:

ps- BRAD MARRY ME

delirium makes you crave time travel: an amazing discovery by yours truly

2006-12-06T01:22:00.000-08:00

once upon a time i did all this stuff and took a million pictures of me doing said stuff. being imprisoned by the stitches in my face and the sedating effects of painkillers has made me long for the taste of freedom (ok vodka) and has forced me into performing compuslive acts of amusement to keep me from doing something severely irrational: like, reading.

so i am going to post pictures until i actually begin to believe i am not at home and am actually like, having fun....with alcohols and bitches and sluts and whores. i know it's only been 2 days but i can not take it anymore. and i'm getting fucking fat. not eating is totally crap. ok, maybe by eating soft foods the doctor didn't mean mountains of deep fried ring shaped bread with sugar on top which happens to be soft in the middle NOR did he probably mean obscene amounts of Haggen Daz or Macaroni and Cheese, but still. No, actually, he did say i should eat Macaroni and Cheese. Lame. I thought my mouth being out of order would help me out for the holidays......fucking donuts. well, anyway......here is the first of what will probably be a hundred thousand of these....

Once Upon A Time.....My Brother Had A Birfday

so like sometime in august my brother and his slut-tourage celebrated my little brother's turning the big 2-4 in las baginas (las begas)! I was kindly allowed to accompany the whores because a) i'm the bomb and b) bitch had no choice, i always go to his birfdays whether he likes it or not.

we started off at the only place we eat when we are in begas, Mesa, because we all want to have sex with bobby flay. yes, all of us:

after getting krunk on the best margaritas ever made and stuffing our faces with bobby flay's meat, we decided to go to Tao at the Venetian.

that shit started out pretty fucking boring. tao pretty much sucks. it's kind of ugly and like boring and shit. we went up stairs to some giant room where they were playing music for like oily people so we went back down to look for the hip hop room. first we went to the bar by those statues and got shitfaced on patron and then we took more pictures. drunker ones.

even though we were drunker, that shit was still boring, so shaun posed for a quick photo shoot:

then the girls:

then rochi's coochie*:

after that, we decided it was probably time to go back to caesars. when we got back, we went to the diner and i had some seriously delicious pumpkin donuts. mmmm......in fact, i think i am going to go have a donut now.

i totally had a pretty decent time that night. mostly because of our special guest, rochi's coochie. that must be what it's like to hang out with the new britney spears. vaginas are 2006's number one accessory, i guess. who knew!

*rochi's coochie = hello kitty, a mailbox, and a bird. i can't show you the real rochi coochie because that skeez would kill me. and because i don't want to throw up. it would really annoy my stitches.

the sweet taste of valium, vicodin and plain donuts

2006-12-05T00:14:00.000-08:00

(disclaimer: this shit probably has no place on my blog....but im really bored and too vicodined to write anything particularly interesting or significant....plus i have had nothing but donuts to eat all day. so you know, my brain is probably swimming in lard and batter.)

yes bitches....your favorite ho (me, duh) has been put on a strict diet of valium, vicodin, and plain donuts...well just for today....hm, and i hope tomorrow...and the day after that!

i know you dirty drug skanks probably live off this shit like on a daily basis, but a classy bitch like me prefers venti iced coffees, ice cold vodka, and stuff that i can throw up easily. just kidding. you hoes know this bitch would put a whole cow in her mouth if it had cheese on it and was dipped in corn batter then deep fried. mmm...i love the fat.

anyway, i had this stupid minor oral surgery today which i totally thought would be over in a second. i heard you usually just had novacaine injected into the area being operated on and that was it.....but the kind doctor i was referred to asked me if i'd like some valium with my novacaine and you know this ho was not about to say no to something so good. valium is seriously so Dynasty/Valley of the Dolls. I am certain Alexis Carrington would have totally been down for that shit and she's like one of my top ten idols of fiction! i heart old money matriarchs!!! that slut Neely O'Hara (from Valley of the Dolls) would have probably been down too but that bitch was a sloppy annoying mess. She's not in any of my top ten, but the book for sure is. that shit is scan'lous. totally recommend it if you haven't read it. it's like mega old.

ANYWAY......i hadn't had valium in like forever, um mostly cos that's like an old lady drug, so i was pretty stoked to be getting that shit injected into me pre-surgery. valium is totally the hottest shit ever. way underrated. vicodin sucks ass in comparison. when they put that shit into my arm i wanted to first: sock the nurse and second: die. it hurt like a bitch. you totally feel that shit like currdling your blood and turning it into diamonds or something. i totally wanted to cut my arm off and beat those bitches in the operating room with it. they totally did not tell me it would hurt like that. eventually i forgot about my arm because i was as high as pete doherty at any given minute. for reals. i love my doctor. he's rad because he doesnt give a fuck and because he talks all this shit on people and because he's a middle aged chinese-american dude that says "dude" and likes to surf. told you, he's dope. he also gave me more valium than i probably needed and i was high for like a long time. then he gave me a ton of vicodin. he almost gave me pumpkin pie but then remembered i couldnt eat shit. later my mom came to get me and she drove me cos i couldnt drive and then i made that ho buy me some donuts, plain ones. that was my whole day.

i still can't really eat shit. i hope i can move up to donuts with sprinkles tomorrow. the doctors sluts told me i can't really have anything too complicated to eat for a while because of the retarded stitches...just like easy to eat crap. naturally donuts was the first thing that came to mind. i've never really been mouth sick so i'm only realizing now that donuts is my food of choice in this kind of situation. like i have mentioned before, being sick with a cold totally makes me want to eat hamburgers like all day long, but i totally love that i crave donuts right now. in fact, donuts and i are the new paris and britney!!! feel free to bring me some, though i know you bitches won't. whores.

happy stuff the turkey day (take that as you wish)

2006-11-23T01:31:00.000-08:00

.

thanksgiving is totally my favorite holiday after my birfday. mostly because i don't have to buy anyone a present (...xmas is overrated). i still get presents for thanksgiving though. granted, i only get food presents and like some kind of weird card from my mom but sometimes my cousins bring me something awesome, like "The OC" merchandise. those sluts totally know me.

the only reason today is not as awesome as my birfday is because it's less about me and more about delicious food. hm...actually, when i really think about it, thanksgiving is totally all about me!!! i seriously handle it on thanksgiving. my dinners are like legendary or something. no wonder people love me.

ok so things i am thankful for at this very minute, in no particular order:

sausage

del taco's mouth watering (gag) maple sausage roll up is seriously the most genius food item i've ever heard of!! a maple sausage rolled in a flour tortilla dipped in french toast batter and deep fried, this beats that fried coke pam posted about because the maple roll up looks like an STD. i am thankful for it.

----------------------------------------
Fergie

Fergie is awesome because she shares a nickname with this bitch:

......you know, the duchess of york and weight watchers spokeswoman! and also because she is able to turn the following rhymes into a hit single!!

"Fergalicious (Fergalicious)
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
All that shit is fictitious"

"I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness (oooh wee)"

um, ok fergie.

poor meth hag. i am thankful for her.

-------------------------------

Divorce

the superficial

i heart divorce because it gives celebrities something to do besides shopping, throwing up, snorting shit, and giving each other v.d.. it's also awesome because it is the first step to a fallen celebrity's hot comeback!! IT WILL HAPPEN!!!! Britney and Whitney will totally bring it and it will be glorious!!!! divorce is hot for non-celebrities because divorced people tend to be slutty and/or nuts and that's funny. i'm just sayin.

anyway, i am thankful.

-----------------------------------

Meatloaf (the large dude, not the food)

.

meatloaf is not so hot but the VH1 (although it could almost be on Lifetime) movie about meatloaf (Meatloaf: To Hell and Back) is beyond hot. and beyond quotable. they say the word "fat" a lot. it's pretty awesome and it's on tv right now. i am thankful.

(update: holy shit, this movie is not pretty awesome, it's amazingly awesome!!!! the ending is rad because i cant tell if it's like real or not. you totally have to watch it!! ok so like meatloaf is on a stage singing to like people from the 70's but i think he's singing to footage of people in the 70's and then they close up on his bitch and she's in the crowd and it's a tight shot of her because she's not really with the 70's sluts. it's just like the "band geeks" episode of spongebob. omg, i love this movie!)
------------------------------------------

Cholas

.

duh, because chola's are the bomb. i am thankful.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING WHOREBITCHSLUTSKANKS!!!!!! don't choke on your shit!

pshh....

2006-11-23T00:59:00.000-08:00

you hoes suck. but i did score tickets thanks to my enviable tenacity and my amazing ability to convince people to give me stuff. i love being me. j/j whores. hahaha. who am i kidding....i'm not joking, you sluts know humility has no place in my world. anyway, i know you were all worried about my monday night so i thought i'd do the right thing and let you know i got what i wanted! yay, as usual.

ABOUT: THE RAPTURE

2006-11-19T20:17:00.000-08:00

.....I NEED TO SEE THEM!!! if you know anyone who has an extra ticket for The RAPTURE at HENDRY FONDA (Monday, Nov. 20) that they are selling PLEASE contact me ASAP!! thanks sluts. i have faith you will come through for me this time.....ew, you sluts better!!! :) jk.

email me if you can help though: mylollipopsaresweeter@hotmail.com
please don't deny a hoe a chance to slut it up on the henry fonda dance floor to this hotness...

gracias.

no hoes.....

2006-11-17T00:47:00.000-08:00

i'm not dead...BUT i have been really busy doing good deeds. it's the theme for fall....

here are some examples:

being a good friend..(and sometimes encouraging other friends to be good friends too...)

being historical in public:

(i'm george washington)

eating while enjoying the lifestyle of a middle aged lady of leisure in a third world country (aka:the land of pupusas....aka: el salvador)

and finally......

...which i think speaks for itself. europe was seriously awesome.

wow. that was the most productivity i've allowed myself in months.....i'm totally exhausted. time for a sausage.

and oh yeah, im proud of you Britney. but you don't get a sausage until you're back to being not fat and being on the radio lip synching something catchy but totally stupid. what? she's still fat and not not singing.......why should she get a sausage?

i have returned....

2006-10-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

lazier than ever! anyway sluts, im back!!!!!!!!!! i know you are totally excited but i'm only back for 10 more days before i head off to the motherland. the pupusa motherland. in the meantime, here's me in spain, not missing any of you.

more pictures to come.....eventually. one day. eh, probably not. lazy is my new favorite state of being....i don't see myself getting sick of it for a while.

i'm leaving you whores for two weeks for better ones....

2006-09-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

ok sluts, in 24 hours i'm leaving all your skanky asses for the skankier asses of london, paris, and three cities in spain. i'll be back in two weeks though. i know that's a long time to be without me and most of you will probably spend hours looking at my pictures, having drinks and being sluts with me via your imaginations.....god you guys are pathetic. but whatever helps get you through it.

i love you bitches.

god's gift to jasmin: America's Next Top Model cycle 7

2006-09-24T01:21:00.000-07:00

i love tyra banks....

...she's a fucking idiot.

but i am really grateful to her for providing me with the best 15 or whatever weeks of my year.. i'm completely elated.

this season has a bunch of white bitches, some black sluts, and that's about it. oh and the picasso bitch..i mean the indian ho. basically everyone is averagely hot. some aren't even hot so that's awesome because they will get their feelings hurt when Janice...oh god, i keep forgetting. blah...why do i watch this show again? oh yeah, that tyra clip above. thank god bitch is fat and nuts. or else this show would go to shit. i had a really hard time deciding who i like and don't like but i narrowed it down below. i do want to mention i was really pulling for that Elvira..or Evita slut or whatever because she was a ghetto latina trying to achieve the American dream of having a military husband and 2 kids while she worked as a "model" at 23 years old. that dream is hot. but she didn't make it to the top 13.

My favorite so far:

America's Next Top Model

....the twins are hot because they are fug, they are from anaheim, and they make me feel the worst about putting a take 5 bar into my mouth!!!

now the bitch that i think is hot, but are not ugly-hot enough to be a "model" and make me not put a take 5 bar into my mouth:

--i like this bitch because she has short hair. seriously every ho this season is a boring ass cracker. at least this bitch is a cracker with sassy lez hair. even if she's not a les...she looks like the lesbian from the other season so blame that whore for my short hair/lesbo association.

--i like this skank because she has issues. she also has short hair, but it isn't short/les hair...there is totally a difference!....you know when you look at that other whore's hair you think LESBO! don't deny it. i'm not an asshole, i swear...ok maybe a little...BUT ANYWAYS...this bitch is rad because she's all like kind of dark and a little angry and feels ugly and hates herself!!! so rad. tyra will eat her. it will rule.

and now, the bitch i hate the most:

---as impressed as i was by her fashion knowledge this bitch makes me want to throw charlie at her. but then i look at charlie's little face and realize i AM an asshole. yeah i dont know why, but this ho gets on my last nerve. i mean, anyone who changes their name from Melanie Rose to Melrose is totally gay. and i don't mean lesbian.

charlie:

the 13 slutbags:

America's Next Top Model

ain't nuttin' but a gangsta partay....

2006-09-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

today i had a tupac party in honor of the 10th year anniversary of his death. i really love tupac. i love his story, i love his music, i love what he had to say...i love him so much that i wanted to get together with a couple of homies and throw back some 40's at the park. you know, cos that's what he would have wanted me to do.

however, my friends are weak and totally denied me my dream of the perfect party. so i came up with an alternative. damn, why are my friends so gay?

Welcome to: The Tupac Shakur Party, 40 ounces of frozen yogurt.

I decided the only way to get my gay ass friends to participate was to lure them in with sugar....the only problem with that is that sugar does not get your ass krunk. so before we hit up the yogurt place, i took those bitches to our favorite afternoon snack joint: Chipotle....but just for the Margaritas. those totally count as snacks.

we bought one for tupac:

luckily, yogurtland is only about 10 paces to the right of chipotle. we made our 40's and then i made those ho's decorate their styrofoam cups to look like 40's.......i know, im totally a genius.

here kevin is tipping his for our homie in heaven:

we are seriously so embarassing.

ok after that, kevin told me he brought his compton hat. i told him i brought mine too. then we had this hot photo shoot by my car:

yeah, we're really embarassing.

im sorry tupac. but i still love you. and i know you love me too.

(ps- these pictures are crap because i forgot my camera's memory card at home so i had to use my phone. we still look hot, though, huh? )

disgrace

2006-09-07T01:29:00.000-07:00

man, i totally suck lately. im sorry to all you hoes for not being a good slut and posting on important matters such as the Suri issue of Vanity Fair. i don't know what my problem is...i seriously hate celebrities right now. they're like, boring. yogurtland and beverages and more isn't boring though. anyways, here's the picture all you sluts have probably seen about a million times already on every tabloid blog on the internet. or on the People mag website.

she's cute and stuff. but still boring. man seriously, wouldn't you rather go get drunk or eat frozen yogurt? mmmm......or both!!!! im totally on it.

go to stater brothers....

2006-09-01T00:56:00.000-07:00

....and buy these cookies, asap. they are the most amazing things on earth. they taste god awful but dude, they're hot looking. and that's what counts!

mmmmm......

....you should always attack the head first:

...or something.

man, seriously though...being sick totally sucks.

yes, i am high on sudafed. and tylenol cold. and Puffs Ultra.

"oh my god, i'm dying" - me

2006-08-29T23:06:00.000-07:00

hi sluts. i'm totally feeling sorry for myself today because i'm sick. i haven't been sick in a really long time so i kind of love it. i have a really bad sore throat and a headache that is more painful than listening to heidi klum say "nina garcia". i dont know why, but it really bugs me when heidi pronounces that stupid bitches name. god i hate her. nina garcia can suck it. anyway, im sick and i hate it, but kind of love it. also being sick has been awesome because i have had the kind of appetite only pregnant bitches and drunk ho's ever have. you know, like where you would seriously eat your own shoe if it had hot sauce and cheese on it. Mmmm. i dont know why being sick does that to me but it always does. when i was little i would always want to eat hamburgers whenever i got sick. and i dont mean one hamburger as a meal. i mean i would want non stop hamburgers hand fed to me while i watched some young and the restless and Hollywood Squares. i loved being 8 years old.

so today after i downed a Chipotle marg, had an enitre bag of tortilla chips with guacamole and salsa, and had half of dez's quesadilla during my snack time (this was totally post-lunch)....we sauntered over to BobaLoca/Yogurtland and discovered the most magical place in all the world.

so i have no idea if that shit exists anywhere outside of Fullerton, but Yogurtland has totally changed my life forever. basically you walk in and you grab a 16 oz. container....you start at one end of the frozen yogurt wall of delicious goodness and you fill your giant cup with all the delicious delciousness you can handle. you can put as much or as little frozen yogurt in your cup as you want. and you can mix whatever flavors you want. and you do it yourself. it's awesome. i had the following:

giant swirl banana
giant swirl chocolate mint
giant swirl cheesecake
small swirl pistachio
small swirl espresso
small swirl vanilla
small swirl strawberry banana
giant swirl coconut

then you go to the toppings bar. they have cereal. delicious cereal. they also have oreos, cookie dough, granola, and other crap. they have syrups. they have fruit. they have kiwi, they have mango, they have banana, they have it all.

my toppings:
Oreos
Cookie Dough
Chocolate Syrup
Kiwi
Mango
Pineapple

when you're done making your non-fat mountain of sugar from heaven, you go to the register where they weigh your tub and then they calculate what you owe them. they charge 30cents an ounce. mine was totally like 20$. it was worth it though.

i wish i had pictures but i would probably start crying if i ever saw evidence of myself swimming in that pool of frozen yogurt anytime after today....i'm pretty sure eating that shit was more debachuerous and indulgent than any of the serious drinking sessions i've been having the last couple of weeks. i mean, yes...i did drink almost an entire bottle's worth of vodka on sunday, and yes, i was so wasted that i thought back to back cartwheels from 4100 to the Goodluck bar was both possible and a good idea, and yes, i did attempt to get into a giant truck that was being loaded with carnival rides and tried to drive away, and yes, i did scare about 100 street workers, and yes, i did order everything on the kids menu at the diner we went to sober up at, and yes i did eat it all....but none of that was nearly as embarassing as my frozen yogurt experience today. you should totally go, guys. i'm serious.

ps- i dont know what that picture is all about, but it felt fitting in more ways than one. that bitch is hot. i like it because she's working out while she eats. she's my hero.

twice in one night

2006-08-27T02:13:00.000-07:00

so i realized i forgot to wish one of the many loves of my life a happy birfday yesterday which then made me realize i forgot to wish my blog self a happy birfday too (it was on August 10th). dang, i cant believe drinking has gotten in the way of me wishing myself...or a me-related something...a happy birfday. ew, that means i have to put myself on alcohol vacay. god i hate that.....

anyway....thanks to anyone who's been reading for the last year!!! you're hot for staying around. actually, i'm hot for staying around.... you know it's true.

loves you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

...and now my birthday card to one of the most beautiful bitches on earth....

dear mac,

happy birfday whore.

love, jasmin

seriously, he's gorgeous. god, im disturbed.

oh well....

happy birthday to us.

a bored jasmin is not good for business (or how a friday night on the internet somehow turned sour)

2006-08-25T20:51:00.000-07:00

...i'm sorry sluts but i would seriously rather look at pictures of myself than of the waste of time, money, and space we call "celebrities"....... i'm really really tired of those ho's. like really.....for reals, aren't you?

i'd like to thank you internet tabloids for over-saturating my life with pointless gossip, pictures, and your own useless personal remarks on and about the lives of people i pay good money to entertain my ass not on the internet. you have totally saved me many dollars and many minutes by making me so sick of their faces that i no longer want to watch tv, see a film, or even read your blogs/magazines for light fun....

...i can totally afford to go out and get drunk now!!!!!:

ok, im totally full of shit. you know i can't get enough of those celebrity bitches and whores! if it wasn't for them and for the tabloids that detail every moment of their lives for me, i'd have no one to make me feel bad about myself and make me work hard to accomplish something. who else would push me to spend all my time consistently throwing up my food, seeking out hot spots, buying big sunglasses, and hoping for the big break that will prove my worth to the world! dude, what would i do with my time....how boring would my life be if i didn't have that. i couldn't imagine....

oh yeah, did i mention i got to go the emmy's? yeah yeah, i know, Creative Arts Emmy's....get out of my face:

......yeah, i'm bored of me too.

le bonfire

2006-08-20T23:52:00.000-07:00

the other nite some bitches and i had a bonfire. on the way we made drinks in melody's car. our organizer forgot to buy lighter fluid and bring matches so when we got to the beach we had to find some high school dudes willing to share. we did. they did all the work. then 2 of their slut friends got in one of our pictures and one of them flashed her bra. they were really nice. on another note, a few nights ago my wallet got stolen. i was way bummed. i went to the dmv though and that made me feel better.

why i love The Game

2006-08-08T23:48:00.000-07:00

(quick intro: the game is a rap bitch who's hot shit. he was all over 2005 and just released his new single from his new album which should drop soon. you would probably know one of his songs if you heard it. you probably love him too, but you don't know it because the radio often neglects to tell you who sings what so you never know who you love. don't let them do that to you. in this post i will tell you why i love The Game.)

i love the game because he is more Compton than i will ever be. this bitch totally grew up in the CPT (that's short for Compton. calm down.) and grew up hard. both his parents were crips and he grew up in a predominantly crip neighborhood. however, when this bitch went to high school he decided to hook up with the bloods, the crips number one enemy. seriously, how hot is that? eventually this slut like left Compton or whatever, but that part is boring. the important thing is, this bitch is hot.

at some point this slut started selling drugs and got shot all sick. while he was in the hospital recovering, he decided he wanted to be the most amazing rap star in the world. or something like that. no for reals though, thats what he said. he told his brother to go out and buy every awesome rap album ever made so he could study that shit and so he could start to "create a strategy to become the greatest rapper alive." um, that is seriously the hottest thing ever. i do that all the time. when im recovering from eating, i totally think about how i should consider not eating and i totally study teen vogue and US weekly so i can come up with a "strategy to become the greatest nicole richie alive". however, unlike the game, my studies end when the microwave tells me my pancake wrapped sausage is ready. the game was much more successful than me in achieving his dream and eventually, The Game got a record deal and put out some seriously hot tracks!!

the game's shit is hot because he represnts the WESTSSSSIIIDDDEEE! i totally love that. we totally need more LA Love up in this bitch and the game totally brings it. while his songs are hot, his rivalries are even hotter. basically every bitch in rap hates this fool except for Dr. Dre. That's hot because Dr. Dre is the hottest bitch on the West Coast. The Game and 50 cent used to be homies and had some hot singles together. Then one day, The Game and 50 cent had this insane feud. then they held a press conference where they told everyone they were no longer feuding. dude, that's totally amazing. i want to hold a press conference. i totally look up to him. they didn't really stop feuding though and they duel it out via mixtapes with hot songs that talk shit. oh my god, that is such a good idea!!!!! so the feud is kind of Tupac/Biggy-esque but whatever. it's still hot. lots of other people hate him too but im too lazy to get into it.

his new song is dope and i really hope we see more of this bitch in the next few months. he has a hot body and a NWA tattoo which is hot shit. he's hardcore. i hope you bitches learned a few things. i definitely did. i learned that i'm not from compton and that i never will be. i also learned that when you recover from shit, you should come up with a strategy to do something hot. and by strategy that just means going to tower records. i learned that there is nothing you can't hold a press conference about so i should do one everyday and also that when someone pisses me off i should make a mixtape of shit talking and give it out to people. thanks, the game, you are hot shit and i can only hope that the lessons i learned today will bring me closer to accomplishing full hotness.

The Game - Put You On The Game

a call to all sluts

2006-08-02T15:48:00.000-07:00

....will one of you please buy me any one of the following bitches:

...i totally heart the show Work Out on bravo. it's so hot. it totally makes me feel like a fat lazy good for nothing slut. i love that. it also inspires me to try to work harder at the gym.....yeah, even i didn't buy that. but the show is still hot shit. i love Jackie the lesbian. she owns the gym that the show revolves around and bitch is awesome:

i totally wish i could get someone to buy her for me so i can have the body of a respectable human being, but bitch costs more for just one hour of private time than a marc jacobs wallet....f-that. whoa, trainers are totally more expensive than whores. i like them even more now.

SEXYBACK

2006-07-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

Justin Timberlake - Sexy Back (World Premiere)

someone uploaded the video finally. i stand by what i said. bitch is fine.

july = hot comeback month!!!

2006-07-25T18:38:00.000-07:00

hey you bunch of crusty sluts....i hope you bitches are keeping cool inside some john's mid life crisis car....no reason to suffer on the job. :) jk sluts, i know you bitches only do it in hotel rooms. anyway, since i can't leave the house because none of my friends will take the 5$ im offering them to carry an air conditioner around while i walk from my car to wherever im walking to and back all day, im going to share with you my two favorite, hot comeback songs of July! YAY!!!!

number uno, Kelis!!! this bitch is fucking hot. her song is all about being bossy and shit. im all over that for sure! also im into diamonds on necks AND grills. that's classy.
Bossy-Kelis

numero two, Justin Timberlake and his sexyback or however you use that pharase. um, i shouldnt have to explain why this song is hot. if you don't think it's hot, you're not hot. this song is also classy. (i couldnt find the video on you tube yet, so you can just listen and use your hot slut imaginations for images of JT being hot all over the place....gd he's fine.)

Justin Timberlake - Sexyback

ok that's it. honestly im just posting this cos im too lazy to do my comic con post. but it's coming. here's a preview:

man, i totally heart the con.

....my book is closed, i read no more, watching the fire dance on the floor, i've left my book, i've left my room......

2006-07-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

the true love of my life has passed away. news reports state that he passed away last friday, but his death was not publicly announced until yesterday. syd barrett was one of the most beautiful songwriters ever. plus he used to be like totally hot. i know bitch stopped making music, but i loved that he was still around...like a hot sort of extinct dinosaur...a shy one! not like mick jagger, that dinosaur needs to hibernate on the reals...i know dinosaurs don't hiberbate but that one needs to. anyway, syd was hot even though he wasn't talking to anyone anymore. he painted and tended to his garden, which makes him even more beautiful. i am totally crying. his death makes me really sad. i totally think his music is the most romantic music i've ever heard. it totally touches my heart. and that's like really hard to do. i will love him always.

check out how hot bitch was way back in the day:

a total dirty delicious mess!! i heart him forever.

you can take the girl out of the metro.....

2006-07-09T22:46:00.000-07:00

hola biatches!! i hope you sluts had a good hot dog day and that you continued eating hot dogs for the rest of the week when you rediscovered how delicious they were!!!! :) mmmm.....i will never stop crusading for the corndog and hot dog! or for hamburgers. or cream puffs. or boba. or chipotle margaritas. or sluts and bitches. for sure.

anyway, on friday i decided to grow some transportation balls and braved the metro all by my slut self to visit the CN hoes in burbank. it was hot. i had to get my mom's permission first though. that bitch said aight but she told me not to talk to strangers. i totally wish i was making that up.

ok so, i got my brother to drop me off at the city of industry station cos it's right by my house. i had to take the train coming in from riverside into union station. at the station an old dude in a freight train was making teeth sucking noises at me. it was both disturbing and kind of hot. especially cos i believe he was only working with half a set of teef. then that bitch got bored of my skank ass and started waving at a little girl. that shit frightened me. i was glad the little slut had a dad with her or that bitch would have been in some serious pedophilic trouble. train stations are some scary shit. also at the train station was this rad middle aged bidness dude reading a Danielle Steele novel. i almost told him he was my hero but then the train came and i got excited and forgot about him.

i got on the train and decided to sit upstairs cos top floor is always classy. when i sat down i realized i was in train heaven. the first word i heard coming from the middle of the car was "dick" and not as in Richard aka Dick, but dick as in penis....and what i heard for the next 45 minutes was nothing short of magical. what i figured out (i sat in those seats were your back faces the rest of the car) after a few minutes of listening (it wasn't eavesdropping because bitch was talking loud!) was that a woman, in her early 50's, had met a group of young sluts (about 19) and was giving them advice on all the things your mama never did. mostly metro-bitch (as i have named her) talked about cock. about how she thinks they are ugly, about how she won't put her face near one, about how she almost cut one off a man, about how she'd rather deal with a strap on, and about how a man feels he is empowered by having one and how that's bullshit. she also talked about her big toe and well, im sure you can imagine what kind of things metro-bitch and her toe expected. yeah bitch had no shame.

from there, conversation turned to spousal abuse and being shot and about boyfriends in jail. while the younger metro-sluts had some interesting insights of their own, metro-bitch was totally the star of this train ride. seriously, metrobitch was like the most amazing person i've ever heard speak in my life. she changed my life completely and i will never forget her brilliant and quite applicable advice. here are some of my favorites:

on promiscuity:
"Don't be no sperrrmmbaaank! uh uh. close them legs, honey! no man wants no used up woman. he ain't gonna marry you if all you is is a piece of ass. just dont be no spermbank! Save yoself, girl. or else you be popping babies like 'pop pop pop pop pop'" ::loud raucuous laughter::

on finances:
"MMM HMM. If you got $100, you tell yo man you only got $50. mm hmm cause you gotta think about you. you gotta think about tomorrow. Why? Cos you got kiiiieeedss! mm hm."

on making friends:
"Girl, be smart. You make friends that already gotta man. You always roll with couples. Don't be rollin with no single friends. You roll with friends that got men so that she don't be trying to take yours! You gotta be smart, girl!"

yeah the bitch was a virtual dear abbey. it ruled. she totally had other really awesome advice but really you sort of had to be there. sorry sluts. oh i totally forgot. also, half way to union station, metrobitch got a phone call. her ringtone: "Me So Horny". that's fucking right. as the phone began to ring, metrobitch proceeded to stand up and dance while singing her ringtone. young mini metro sluts joined in. this, was possibly, the greatest display of public dancing i have ever experienced.

this bitch makes me want to take public transporation like every fucking day. when we got to union station i was totally bummed. i stood up and bitch noticed me so she decided to include me in on her closing remarks. i totally almost peed in my pants from excitement. so she starts talking about dudes at clubs and how she "dont need no drink to dance" and how she hates when dudes do. she then told me (yay) that "shit, i can drop it like it's hot no matter where i be." then she did. she dropped it. twice. rad.

after the conductor slut announced that we should all be sure we had everything we needed, metro bitch told me she had everything she needed in her luggage, and whatever else she needed was in between her legs. the bitch was awesome. we walked to the train doors and before she said goodbye, she told the mini sluts that they were just babies and at the young age of 19 they "barely be learning how to wash between their booties good". and with that, metrobitch was gone. i really wish i was able to take a picture of metrobitch but i was seriously afraid her generosity would turn into beat down mode if i busted out the camera. so i made this:

there she is. metrobitch in all her glory! i seriously hope that next time any of us are on the train, the spirit of metrobitch will accompany us on our journey. or at least remind us to wash between our booties.

how old are we? fucking old, huh.

2006-07-04T00:41:00.000-07:00

it's finally here!! my most favoritest day of the year(ok, after my birfday)!! i totally love the 4th...it's the one day of the year that hot dogs are free to roam and be delicious and when no one thinks twice about putting one in their mouth! mmmmm.....with some relish and mustard, hell fucking yeah!! i also love that sluts and bitches go across the border (you know, to mexico) and buy excellent illegal fireworks to celebrate our independence!! that's hot because we hate mexico, but not on our birfday. i like that. it reminds me of me. like i totally hate lots of people, but when it's my birfday, and im all tore up, i love everybody..even the ugly bitches that are always hating or talking shit. i totally let them have lollipops! anyway, that's why i love it when america has a birfday...and that is why, as a thank you for being, uh, born...i have decided to give to America the greatest gift of all, the gift of Mick....

Happy Birfday America!

....that is Mick Jagger and Mickeys, respectively. I can't think of a better way to celebrate freedom!!

NOW GO GET WASTED BIATCHES!! and then blow something up!!

Up and Running/"Baby, i'm perfect for you"- P.Hilton, actress, singer, cultural phenomenon

2006-06-23T01:34:00.000-07:00

You Tube is back and is totally full of shit. For details on my feelings on (the new and improved) You Tube (which they don't even tell you about! like the idiots that use that shit will read the subtle signs...anyway) go to Sucks/Doesn't Suck. I refuse to talk about that shit here. What i don't refuse however, and never will, is the Paris Hilton "Stars Are Blind" video.

so i totally love this song. it has a cheap and completely idiotic quality about it that i just can't get enough of. ironic, you say? i know right! but with this song, paris has definitely proved that she is a whore who can not...no, should not, be doubted. and who am i to stop her. so here, enjoy. and also, enjoy the amazing second version of the video i found which is seriously as mesmerizing as the first.

1. Original Version (the beach one)
Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind

2. Alternate Version (the awesome one)
Stars Are Blind

bitch sounds like Gwen Stafani. you know you love it.

ps- im not kidding about liking this song

Um....

2006-06-22T23:34:00.000-07:00

who the hell do these bitches think they are? myspace?
they are not allowed to be "currently working" on nothing!!!! stupid You Tube. and how come when they are "working" on the site, we can't see ANY of their shit? LAME. i need to watch the paris video for "stars are blind" goddamnit!!! NEED TO!!!! MUST!!! that video is the only thing that keeps me going day after day!!!!! plus i suspect that the song is totally a "barbie and the rockers" song. i must prove it.

public intoxication is the key to getting anything you want

2006-06-20T23:50:00.000-07:00

so last night B and i decided we should hit up the Eastside and do it Eagle Rock and Highland Park Por Vida style. The following is evidence that a) no matter how much i try to avoid it, alcohol and i are inseperable and b) i should not be given a water gun....under any circumstances.....

so we started off by going to The Chalet but we didnt take pictures there because everyone was all about cuddling and no one was being hot so we didn't want to waste our hotness on those boring bitches. so after one drink we took off and headed toward the HP......

once there, we got settled....got wasted....and took the following messes of pictures that are embarassing, hot, and embarassing:

here brian finds a little nook to defy gravity in and talk on his celly....

in this series of pictures, i attempted to take 1 picture of brian....but i missed..twice...

3......perfect....

here im still sober. ok no im not. but im only half way through the night, so relatively speaking...im sober....

um...still sober.....

i love how at some point between "sober" and "fucked up", my mom called, that bitch is always such a cock block:

back to being "sober"...

so after a few more of our favorite sweet libations....brian and i were officially fucked up and i decided it would be a faaaabbbuulooouus idea to bust out my mini water gun.

ok so, i know what that water gun looks like, but it's not what your skanky perverted minds are thinking....it's a WATER GUN... so calm down.

after we got some old man wet (whoops) we decided to sober the fuck up by getting our eat on....

but before that, we hit the hardcore streets of Highland Park and got our road construction/light post on.....

ok after that hot pole session, we hit the road and headed over to Le Brite Spot in my favorite neighborhood of all time ever, the hot ECHO PARQUE.....

when we got to the brite spot, i was considerably less drunk so i decided i should man the kitchen. after telling the waiter bitches that i should be in charge, they totally agreed and let my ass in the kitchen and behind the cash register. dudes will let drunk chicks do anything, including, but not limited to drawing penises, tres puntas, and vatos locos on their arms......

after i made a waffle at the request of a customer (who, by the way, tipped me in cheesecake, which i very much approve of), making some bitch a burger, calling the kitchen staff sluts and whores, playing some disco on the sound system, creating the new brite spot sticker pasties uniform, tatooing the waiter, giving myself a discount, and attempting to convince the waiter that the bill could be payed with business cards, a barnes and noble gift card, and brian's hollywood video card....it was time to go home.....

and i did. right after i threw up.

the end.

dress you up in my love

2006-06-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

...so since i recently decided to profess my intense love for Davy Havok to you skanky whores, i thought today i'd show you sluts the Davy i fell in love with...many, many, many, MANY pencils of black eyeliner ago! all before the fake eyelashes and blue eyeshadow and tight leather body suits!! not that i don't love him now, tranny wardrobe and all....but every now and again, it's good to reminisce:

you know you have a problem when.....

2006-06-16T22:18:00.000-07:00

you forget your most beloveds' birthdays!!!!!!!!!!!!! dude, there needs to be some serious intervening on y'alls part to keep me out of school already. i am slowly losing myself to this disease, this needing to have a diploma sickness, and it is severly affecting my personal life.

So in my state of frantic summer school-ness and post-class getting boracha-ness....i totally forgot to wish my soul sisters, my most cherished sluts, my favorite hot messes a happy twentieth birfday!!!!!!

OLSEN BITCHES, though this comes 3 days late, it is no less filled with hot, slutty love for you two dirty pieces of useless trash. i totally owe you both a hot dog and a beer! i can't wait for us to throw up together. even though throwing up is so 2005, you two bitches never make it passe....and that is why i love you!!!!

3 songs you should all get your "rock" to

2006-06-15T01:38:00.000-07:00

#3, 2, and 1:

AFI- Miss Murder

dude, this is the most annoying AFI single ever. it's hot though. i know this shit is annoying especially since MTV2 devoted and entire day to AFI which actually meant they devoted an entire day to just the new single....or at least that's what it felt like. but whatever. i have loved davy havok forever. seriously, like for-ever! he totally makes me all giddy and shit. i don't know why, so don't question me. he's just hot. and ew, everyone i know has run into him at the most random bars. lame. i totally want to bump into him and shit. dude, for reals, he and i are soul mates. i think im into him because i know deep down inside he is a chola just like me. plus he's hot on stage. like way hot. and he's a beautiful CHOLA! god i love him.

ok, so yeah, AFI gets 3, 2, and 1 because actually, i never listen to any rock stations in my car. i love all kinds of music and i have most of the crap they play on every station on my ipod anyways, but i totally broke the thing that made it awesome for my ipod to play in my car and so now i have to stick to radio.....but i seriously rather get my party on to some hot jams in my car than get my rock on. All the rock/indie/whatever stations play like old music anyways. Sometimes i'll tune into Indie 103 and a hot T-Rex song will be on and i'll get my glam on and then i get bored or get bad reception and i'll go back to getting my Hip Hop and R&B on. Or i'll hit up my "go-to" cd and listen to the hottest vintage classic R&B grind song ever made in the history of all that is hot:

....and do not even think i am kidding. this is for reals.

3 songs you should all think are hot

2006-06-15T00:42:00.000-07:00

this song is seriously retarded. but it's hot. it's about sluts so how can i not love it....also, nelly furtado's background people do some hot dancing in the video so i have to give it props for being cheap but full of hot moves.

outstanding lyric: "Roses are red Some diamonds are blue Chivalry is dead But you're still kinda cute"

-dude, this shit is deep!!

#2) Me and You - Cassie

this song is actually super hot and is also about a super trashy slut. the beats are totally sexy and cassie is a hot whore with THE hottest moves! for reals. look at her. she's fucking hot. this song is the hot bitches theme song of the summer and every hot bitch should blast this shit and start screaming and dancing and crap when it comes on the radio in your car when you're with your girls. or something.

outstanding lyric: "Baby ill love you all the way down Get you just where you like I promise you'll like it (i swear)"

dude, cassie is a whore.

...........and the #1 song you should all think is hot:

RIDIN' - CHAMILLIONAIRE featuring Krayzie Bone

man, i totally feel Chamillionaire's pain....the po is always trying to catch me ridin dirty. dude, this song is seriously fucking awesome. and the dudes name is CHAMILLIONAIRE! how can you beat that? also, the song is not about boning at all....ok maybe it's a little bit about boning, but only like one line is about that.... ridin' dirty actually means ridin' dirty, like in your car. like cos you got the music loud and you dont have your tags and you have a playstation and shit. dude, hottest song ever!!!!!!!

outstanding lyric: "Windows down gotta stop pollution"

dude, HOT!!!

a letter to my bitches with hot pictures attatched....a lot of them....like for reals, it's a lot....

2006-06-10T16:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Bitches,

ew...im totally bummed. i just realized today that it's June, which means i can no longer claim May-J-Saurus for free booze, food, and fun! That's way lame. Although my birfday month has now officially passed, I am grateful for the 1.4 million pictures i have as reminders of the greatest 31 days of the year! Thanks to my favorite sluts and bitches for keeping me a hot mess all month long!!!.....I hope these selected pictures inspire you to keep me a hot mess year round, cos seriously, these pictures are hot......

kisses,
jasmin

Jasminfest, Run/Walk-Pupusa Party:

Jasminfest, OC:

Jasminfest, ETC

2006-06-05T01:13:00.000-07:00

lame. i can't post pictures again. i hate you blogger.

si se puede!

2006-06-05T00:04:00.000-07:00

hola senores y sluts,

i guess all it took was for me to remind them who's in charge here and those blogger bitches got their shit right. :) i can now post pictures. well at least most of them.....

so i have totally missed all you hookers terribly during my week of hot vacay. actually, ive been too lazy and boracha all week to post shit. you know how it is....but the other day, i did pry myself away from my pool, my drink, and my hot book (the republic of east l.a., which i highly recommend) and did the absolute unthinkable! my good friend brian and i braved the los angeles public transportation system and made our way from the hot streets of Baldwin Park all the way to Union Station then to Boyle Heights then back to Downtown before finally heading home. Here is a rather short pictoral account, accompanied by a wordy retelling, of the whole day:

so after arriving into union station from baldwin park via metrolink, B and I had to figure out how to get from Union Park to the hot flautas restaurant Ciro's out in the Boyle Heights area.

We asked some firme old dude that was at the info desk at union station for some help.....the dude was way old, like way way old, and way way cranky. he told us we had to take the bus. my ass has never ever ever ever been on the bus in LA so i was like totally scared for a second. like, if you live here, especially if you've lived here all of your life, your ass should totally understand why the bus sounds scary. i got over it though and we hopped on the 68 on Caesar Chavez towards Boyle Heights.

We got on the bus and the bus was totally radder than i ever imagined. A way hot old Chicano dude with a cool hat and a feather got on it and started handing out some kind of old man flyer. Then a super awesome Veterano (in flannel, and sporting an authentic tres puntas tattoo) offered me his seat which was way hot. Also, hot middle aged ladies with giant asses were everywhere and cholas were talking shit on other cholas while one rubbed her big bald vato's back. The bus ruled.

Brian and i accidentally got off at the wrong street and wandered around for a while before we figured out we weren't where we were supposed to be. While we were wandering, however, we stopped a few people to ask them if we were on the right track. One of the sluts we stopped was the hottest bitch i've ever laid my eyes on. She was the true incarnation of the super hot "Sad Girl" and the super firme "Whispers" from Mi Vida Loca bred together. I fucking swear. she had "whispers'" yellow-orange hair, but the face and mcdonalds lovingness of "Sad Girl"....and she was pushing a stroller! when brian and i asked her where to go, she totally almost shanked us....but then she realized we were just a couple of dumb sluts and told us she didn't speak english. she was hot shit.
eventually we found Ciro's and i had a picture of that shit but blogger is being a pain in the ass and won't let me post it.

after we devoured our flautas, cervezas, avocado salsa and chips, and jamaica's we left and headed back towards Union Station so we could catch the Dash. On our way back, we saw this hot mural and decided to take a picture with it because we love la virgen.....

this is my ode to Tony M's hot blog:

we also made a quick stop at King Taco to get Brian an horchata. that bitch has no shame. we seriously stuffed our faces at Ciro's but whatever...after brian bought his horchata we decided to take a look inside the super old "Ramirez Pharmacy" on the corner of Soto and Caesar Chavez.

Brian had been doing research recently for a paper he's writing and came across an oral history recorded by the original owner of the Ramirez Pharmacy. That fool was one of the most prominent figures in the first chicano movement, heading the MAPA organization, among other things. We went inside and ended up meeting the old dude's nephew and son who now run the pharmacy. They were rad, and they totally loved us. Then they took a picture of our hotnesses for their upcoming website! it was totally the hottest. then we took pictures of the nephew cos the son dude had to get back to like telling people about wart cream and other important shit.

after talking to those two sluts for like an hour we got back on the 68 and got off at Union Station. Then we went to chinatown cos brian wanted me to buy a parasol because he really wanted one because inside him lives a southern belle. his stupid ass got shy though and made me buy one so his southern belle could live vicariously through my half asian ass.

some lame ass bitches were filming some kind of movie in chinatown that day and so we decided to crash their party by first perusing their craft services and then taking pictures in front of the storefronts in the area they were filming. for some reason, no one got mad at us and everyone was all hot to us. everyone totally got out the way for us. it was hot.

after i bought my hot child sized parasol and taking those hot pictures above we headed over to 727 gallery in downtown to look at some art exhibit about gay dudes. when we got there the gallery owner dude was all up on our shit and became our new bff. we didnt take pictures there cos it was hotter than a mofo and neither brian nor i even thought about our cameras. yeah, it was that hot (and i mean hot in the like proper sense - you know, like as in temperature). Anyways, that dude loved us and told us to come back and see him so we could hang out with Gronk, a hot avant garde Chicano artist from the 70's. Brian and I thought all of this was muy firme. I love getting my Chicano on even though im not mexican.

After the gallery brian and i were ready to go back home. It was already like 6pm and we'd been hanging with la gente for like 7 hours! We got back on the Dash and headed back to Union Station so we could catch the train home....

when we got to union station brian and i had like about 11 minutes before the train so we ran like bandidos to Traxx, threw back a cocktail and ran to the train. we barely made that shit. we felt hardcore. once on the train we realized how the people that take the train in the evening are way radder than the people that take the train at noon. everyone like knew each other and we ended up standing by a hot group of sluts playing dominoes and shit. they were hot.

we got back to baldwin park and then i went home and then i got drunk:

the end.

goddamnit people...

2006-06-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

ok, so ive been trying to post some hot shit for the last two days and this crap won't let me post any pictures!!! i can't possibly show you sluts what i want to show you without pictures so your asses will have to wait till this shit checks itself.

just wanted to let you know. blogger is trying to keep a gangsta down. it really should know better.

till then enjoy this wonderful story, actually the story isn't that hot but i love the little title to this report. it's my new riot grrl band name....if i had one of those.

hottest personality test ever...

2006-06-04T23:35:00.000-07:00

and for the record, it's true. im a selfish whore...but you all should already know that....

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:
You have high extroversion.You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!"
Conscientiousness:
You have low conscientiousness.Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously.Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions.Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done.
Agreeableness:
You have low agreeableness.Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all.In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted.And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently.
Neuroticism:
You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is high.In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

i'm still not getting one of those job things

2006-05-29T00:28:00.000-07:00

hey whores. check it. i fucking graduated. awesome.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

the ceremony was hot. no it wasn't. that shit was boring.

im a stoked slut: im a stoked slut ready to go to my partay:the ritz-carlton is for hot family sluts only:

best present ever:

i don't know what's hotter. that my brother handed me a hot brown bag as a present or that the brown bag had a fucking bottle of cristal in it. i think the hottest part is me getting wasted.

the end.

i still have summer school.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2006-05-24T00:27:00.000-07:00

i just watched last week's OC finale and NOOOOOOOOOOOO how could they kill marissa!!!!! she was totally my favorite hooker!!!!
julie cooper is the hottest bitch on tv. anyway, they better keep the mini around! she will be the only one worth watching now for hot fashion tips cos summer cant dress for shit.

ok bitch dresses aight, but she annoys me. oh dude, and is this the end of Volchok????? volchok is totally almost exactly like my psycho stalker ex so i totally relate to marissa which makes her death even harder for me to believe!! that could have been me!!! i still dont believe that marissa is dead. well if i know tv, i know they will bring that bitch back as a zombie or as a vegetable or something. i wouldnt care how she came back as long as she still looked hot and inspired my wardrobe.

RIP you skanky slut, may all the hot dudes (and chick) you boned come back and bone your hot sister: ok this whore skanked it with more people but im too tired and lazy to find pictures of that crap. you get the idea though...............

although the ep was semi hot, the hottest thing about the finale had to have been the "The Devil Wears Prada" preview!!!!!!! i can not WAIT for that shit to come out! anyone who knows my ass knows how much i LURVE ana wintour and this movie is supposed to be based on some skanks real life relationship with that power-bitch. ana wintour is the hottest shit ever.

in non hot news, i am 3 finals down and have two to go. i am beyond excited. tonite i had the toughest of them so it's all downhill from here. i am most excited because it will be nice to sleep. cos i havent done that yet. not in about one week. not even in begas. vegas is totally a family obligation i have realized. like reunions. or birthdays. or whatever normal families do. me and my familia never ever see each other unless we are in vegas. and even then, we only see each other when one of us runs out of money. it's defintely hot. we totally all get along in vegas and we each get our own rooms on different floors. it's like the perfect arrangement. i wish it was like that all the time. ew and i totally didn't win shit this time. i was not a happy gambler. at least i got to eat some warm delicious congee!! mmmmm........

dude, i better fucking pass my finals. i'll kill a bitch if i have to take any of these gd classes over again. goddamnit, i really hate school.

"it was a nightmare on hollywood blvd" - abc 7 news

2006-05-22T17:18:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD, May 21, 2006 - A street performer dressed as the horror movie character Freddy Krueger, of "Nightmare on Elm Street" fame, was arrested today for allegedly stabbing a man with his knife-like fingernails in front of Mann's Chinese Theatre, police said.

The costumed man was dressed in a full-body Freddy Krueger costume, including a glove with fingers made of scissor blades, said Lt. Dennis Ballas.
Witnesses say the Freddy Krueger look-alike was being harassed by a passerby who appeared to be drunk. That's when the Freddy character allegedly stabbed the man in the chest with his scissor-hand.

The victim was treated and released from a hospital after suffering puncture wounds.

The man dressed as Krueger, who is in his 20s, was uninjured. He has been arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon.

It isn't unusual to see street performers dressed up as famous characters taking photos with tourists outside Mann's Chinese Theatre.

"We thought all the characters on Hollywood Boulevard had props made of plastic, but this guy's hands were made of real metal," Ballas said.

Copyright © 2006 KABC-TV. All rights reserved.
---------------------------------------------------------------

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! this is seriously my favorite local news story ever ever ever!!!!!!!!!! hahahahaha. hahahahah!! i heart freddy and his scissor hand!!

i want to die.

2006-05-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

that's pretty much it.

why is having actually attended class during the semester so crucial for finals. they should just ask you what you liked about the class and that should be the end of it.

maybe i SHOULD consider teaching. i would rule.

"she lives in a motel, in new york city" - brandon davis

2006-05-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

i love when you bitches hook a sista up.

this one came courtesy of eric.....

i like the "Wilmer is in a mariachi band" part. ok and if lohan's vag really had freckles coming out of it, that would be a way hot super power. her vagina can battle paris' green sludge spewing vag in a battle of slut vs. ho....... care bear stare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(oh and for the record, as mean as brandon davis is, that shit is fucking hilarious....i love high school.....)

it's the little things....

2006-05-17T02:06:00.000-07:00

I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL

a definite glitch in the formula....

2006-05-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

uh, so,

mi vida loca + bored jasmin = awesome

paper on the cultural and historical relevance of mi vida loca and it's possible impacts on the Latino/a image + bored jasmin = not awesome

this shit was due at 10pm and i have been staring at a blank page for about 3 hours. all i can think about are their bangs. can i write a 5 page paper on that shit? goddamnit. i hate this time of the semester....you know, when classes demand like, my attention. don't they know i have some beam and ginger in a can to drink at the Huntington Pier.

Ew, no way, that's ghetto. I'd drink it in Newport.

maybe this will inspire something totally profound.....or at the very least get my mind off of aqua net and black lip liner.....and yeah, this means it's survey time.....

1) Are your parents married or divorced?

married and unable to understand each other cos they have never spoken the same language. even when they speak english. it's hot. im their rosetta stone.

2) Vegetarian?

only when i have to. dude, people who don't eat meat scare the shit out of me. how anyone can deny themselves carne asada is beyond me.

3) Heaven?

see previous post

4) Come close to dying?

yes. many many many many times. boring to recall, hot when it happened.

5) What jewelry do you wear 24/7?

what jewelry don't i wear 24/7. i sleep eat drink and breathe bling.

6) Are you eating?

unfortunately. i loathe hunger.

7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?

boring

8) Makeup?

Forever

10) Would you ever have plastic surgery?

yes, but only if it means i will inherit the Sigfried and Roy empire

11) What do you wear to bed?

dude, personal

12) Have you ever done anything illegal?

lame. who hasn't.

13) Can you roll your tongue?

fo shizzle

14) Tweeze your eyebrows?

obsessively

15) What kind of sneakers?

chucks for sure but sometimes vans

16) Abortion?

ok so i went to a catholic high school and every year the nuns would hand out these fucking insanely disturbing stickers of fetuses which i guess were supposed to make you not want to get an abortion ever but all it did was make bitches gag and make them fuck the dean and have his babies. true story.

17) Hair color?

who cares.

18) Future child's name?

Original Flavored

19) Do you snore?

i dont know. i think i do in vegas.

20) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?

the spelling mansion

21) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

man, i have a stuffed animal sancturay on my bed. charlie is almost a stuffed animal cos bitch is fat.

22) If you won the lottery, what would you do first?

yell "booyah"

23) Gold or silver?

plastic

24) Hamburger or hot dog?

hamurger...if i had a corndog option then i don't think i would be able to decide, so thank god for that. i would totally lose sleep and shit.

25) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

noooooooo........i'd rather starve than choose.

26.) City, beach or country?

LA por vida.

27) What was the last thing you touched?

the book "Islands in the Street: Gangs and American Urban Society". it's a total piece of shit.

28) Where do you eat dinner?

the pupusa kingdom that my mom maintains

29) When's the last time you cried?

probably tonite

30) Do you read blogs?

yeah

31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?

pretty much everyday. and by opposite sex, i mean 12 year old boy.

32) Ever been involved with the police?

only when they think im a hooker

33) What's your favourite shampoo/conditioner and soap?

Biolage smells so good. I like all the Bliss products for soap.

34) Do you talk in your sleep?

totally. sometimes i make out too.

35) Ocean or pool?

anywhere it is safe to bring my hello kitty life perserver

36) What's your favorite song at the moment?

Release Me - Angelina

37) what's your favorite color?

gay

38) Window seat or aisle?

window if i know everyone in the row. aisle otherwise. fuck strangers. although i love strangers, i hate them on airplanes.

39) Ever met anyone famous?

please dont remind me that i lost fabio

40) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life?

duh. i dont do shit and get presents all the time.

41) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?

i shove it

42) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey?

Oprah all the way

43) Basketball or Football?

Football

44) 15 - 30 minutes?

i'll be late no matter what

45) Do you drive a stick?

no way. that would require way too much activity on my part. manual is already too labor intensive.

46) Cake or ice cream?

ice cream

47) Self-conscious?

um, LA born and raised - self conscious is like part of the female constitution in LA

49) Have you ever given money to a bum?

yeah, but my favorite bum is the fake security guard in the little pedro's parking lot cos he wears a hat and a uniform but he's not like legitimate. he's awesome.

50) When was your first crush?

a dude named Che in preschool. he wrote me a hot letter i still have.

51) Where do you wish you were?

wherever graduated people go....but not "at work". ew.

53) Have you ever rode in an ambulance?

yeah it's ridden. and no.

54) Can you tango?

only into fabio's heart. if i had the chance.

55) Last gift you received?

see 2nd previous post

56) Last sport you played?

talking on the phone

57). Things you spend a lot of money on?

myself

58) Where do you live?

with the parentals

60) Last wedding attended?

karthiho's

61) Favorite fast food restaurant?

this is too difficult a question. i cant answer this. sorry.

63) Most hated food(s)?

hate is such a strong word. why is this shit all about food!! leave me alone already!!

65) Can you sing?

badly

66) Last IM?

Dez

67) what's your least fav. chores?

conversing with my parents

68) Favorite drink?

i hate picking favorites. coffee i guess.

69) Current Crush?

the embodiment of the following Wham! lyrics:

"Some people work for a living,
Some people work for fun,
Girl, I just work for you.......

Why do I do the things I do?
I’d tell you if I knew.
My god...
I don’t even think that I love you...."

wherever this dude is, he's hot.

....or maybe this is heaven

2006-05-10T11:21:00.000-07:00

they look like beautiful angels. beautiful angels straight from a crack den. courtney has some sturdy boobs though. thats kinda hot.

so apparently.....

2006-05-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

....love can totally be bought!!!!

fabio shmabio! i feel a lot better about losing my wildest dream now. i am so glad to have been born into a family where affection comes via purchasing power!!!! my birfday affections came courtesy of marc and yves (that's jacobs and saint laurent, respectively) this year. my parents are hot. actually this birfday has been my favorite since the time i had a pool party and got a set of GIANT (i mean GIANT) New Kids On The Block pins, a Milli Vanilli cassette tape, and flourescent shit. man, 1988 was a good year.....

-Much like the bags above, this bag was also successful of an induced "i love you" when my good friend marisa (who i do love, but you know, conditionally) presented it to me.....

(it's heaven!)

shallow 2006 is totally in full effect!!!

this could have been me......

2006-05-10T02:17:00.000-07:00

it still should.

i didn't win the date with fabio

2006-05-10T02:14:00.000-07:00

i didn't win the date with fabio

god fucking damnit.....

2006-05-10T00:14:00.001-07:00

.....yes bitch, that's right....your ass is pregnant, again.

goddamnit.